"I was kind of perturbed and asked why I have to change and be assertive when it doesn't come naturally to me. Why can't these people just treat me with respect without me asking it of them?"

I guess... not everyone is respectful. I mean - there are so many abusers in the world. Abuse is certainly not respect. Many people have no idea about appropriate boundaries and walk all over anyone in their path. BUT it is your right to stick up for yourself and protect yourself by setting appropriate boundaries. And perhaps the only way to do that is by learning to become assertive when your boundaries are crossed.

About boundaries and personal space... I believe personal space is definitely a boundary issue. If I were to draw a circle around my self which indicates my personal space, that circle would represent my boundary. I do not like it when people cross that boundary without being invited in. Yes, it is a different level of boundary setting to other more important boundaries, but it is a boundary nonetheless.

I have an issue at work that I need to discuss with someone, re: boundary setting. Haven't worked up the courage to do so yet, but it does need to be done, for my own comfort and sense of safety.

A new person has recently joined my team. She is, in effect, my immediate boss. The issue is... she touches me. In casual conversation she puts her hand on my shoulder or touches my arm. I can't stand it - I find it quite triggering.

Until now I have only tried to communicate my discomfort with it to her non-verbally. When she reaches out to touch me I step away (usually she steps towards me so I am within reach again, and I in turn keep backing away from her). Sometimes I move so there is a physical barrier between us, and sometimes I busy myself with other work while we chat so that I am always moving out of her reach.

But, she isn't reading my non-verbal cues. She always keeps moving towards me, no matter how much I step away / turn away from her / put physical barriers between us. And she keeps on touching me.

I realise that she is not deliberately trampling on my boundaries. She comes from a different cultural background from me, where touch is normal and appropriate and a natural part of communication. In her culture, touching during conversation is respectful. So... if I want my personal space - my boundary - respected, I am going to have to explicitly tell her that I do not like to be touched and I don't want her to do it.

I know it will probably offend her at some level. It may feel like a personal rejection to her. but I *need* to find the courage to discuss it with her, because I do not want to feel triggered and afraid throughout my working day, and it is my own responsibility to take care of that need. I think I am nearly there... nearly able to initiate that conversation with her. Not quite, but nearly.

I think, in learning to set our boundaries with others, starting small helps. When you haven't learned how to maintain healthy boundaries growing up, starting small and working up the courage to work with the bigger issues takes time and practice. Learning about the steps of assertive communication is helpful.

It is utterly worth it though. Being able to stick up for your own needs after years of abuse and betrayal is so empowering! I am still working on the small stuff - no courage for the big stuff here yet - but I am getting there.