i just need to share this with someone who understands. my partner tries his best (and i appreciate it... most of the time ), but it's difficult for someone who doesn't know what it's like, to understand it. for someone who dissociates only under the influence of alcohol/drugs and thinks it's "fun" - it's difficult to understand indeed.

i know over the online one can only do so much - and especially when i am in a completely different continent, in a different culture. but i feel this is the place where i am understood, instead of being ridiculed / ignored / invalidated.

READ ONLY IF IN A GOOD PLACE.




push the seats back a little further, roll the windows and take a breath



yeah, so last night i went to bed around 1 am (usually i go to bed around 4, a bad habit i desperately need to break) and woke up in the clothes closet. i was shivering like heck, and the heart was pounding at least 100 bpm per minute. i couldn't see anything and i thought i had been drugged and left to die. and when i had found myself out and could actually see something, i realized i had gone there myself. so i thought that someone in the system might've overdosed on medication and gone to the closet to die.

i went to the living room and thought it was morning already because my boyfriend was watching a movie and i could hear the noise, it was so loud. i was shaking and crying like mad, but he came to comfort me and we checked all the med bottles to see if anything was missing, but it was difficult to say because i have taken some of the meds, and there was quite a bit left.

the only dangerous medication i have is lithium, i have a little less than a 100 tablets of it, and a couple of risperdal that were still there. maybe it was just some caffeine pills that made the heart pound?

but i'm just scared if there is someone who is planning to commit suicide, and even worse, i don't think i have any communication with them.

guess all i can do... is just wait and see. i'm not afraid of death, i'm just disappointed if it happens now, there's so much to do, so many people to talk to. i'm just getting started.

things and circumstances are rather difficult right now, but i thought i was the only one who took them so seriously. i didn't think it was a valid reason to get upset. i didn't know anyone else could get upset about it! not even in the system.

for those who made it this far and intend on replying:

1. i'm not in psychotherapy - just seeing a psych nurse. this is the second one.
2. i have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and i admit, i have been psychotic quite a few times in my life (hallucinations different from flashbacks, delusions that are in no way related to abuse etc) - so all the dissociative symptoms are associated with psychosis. they treat it with medication, but:
3. i don't take any medication, except benzos when anxiety goes up the roof.

conclusion: i need to find another way to get into psychotherapy. maybe i need to be more honest. i can't say i think i'm DID. i don't even know myself. well, it's some sort of dissociation that has absolutely nothing to do with psychosis. i don't want to go there with a 10 page report of how i fulfill all the diagnostic criteria for this and that. but i'm just tired of dropping obvious hints and the psych nurse saying that is completely normal, or just ignoring it and giving me a new antipsychotic.

around here the mentality is the following: antipsychotics and antidepressants cure every ailment. no kidding. i have never been in involuntary treatment, in general i don't have any bad experiences except this medication craze that is driving me nuts and pretzels.

still passing needles through me.

better start trying to communicate. doing something for the kids. accepting. i don't know.

thanks for reading this far. sorry it was so long.. cannot process the text right now, maybe later.

torn between halos and demons,
twilight