its funny(not) that I could read you entry kim and ehcoes and feel that it was me talking - kim I often lok around my flat and am dusgusted at how I live - mtold T once told me about having to go to a clients house as she was agoraphobic and I was horrified - I said well you wil never come to mine - then felt that was harsh and explained why - the mess - and the despair it caused me - I couldnt have beared it if he had seen my place but he made a joke out of it and we got past it - it's just so hard somtimes to carryon breathing let alone do something - that's what I call myself weak and pathetic and unmotivated - T said I should talk to myself as if Im a friend because I am so much more understanding with other people than myself - but thats hard to do

letting someone in is dangerous - they can hurt you especially if you have 6ft fences and machine gun turrets around the inner you to protect you and you have learnt that if you let people in that all they will do - hurt and betray you - so therapy is hard for us (me) - but it is possible and it works - so we have to stick at it - the alternative is just too scary. P7