im taking each day as it comes now, i dont know what to expect.. she didnt drink yesterday, thats good... her dark side scares me... it always means pain for me...

i'm going to hold on, i know i'll be ok... its her and i's relationship that is not doing so good it seems to me... she is up now, waking, getting coffee again... just a few days ago it was a joy, now its something different.. why do i feel fear? i know its cause of the thought of more pain... i should be an expert by now and its weird, tho it is easier to handle some stuff, i keep adding more to the pile whenever space comes available.. maybe i am addicted to sadness but i wont quit... i have a son who inherited this world and Dad taught me that kids matter.. its not too hard to understand anyway but ive worked it all out in my mind... i do this for the kids, i want them to know, i want them to know how to stay away from the pain if they can... its better to build than destroy