Hi Simon,

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad, but I am glad you are taking care of yourself with meds and therapy. That is the best thing to do, plus have hope that you can recover.
What you experienced was a terrible thing, and it would effect most in the same way. You were taken advantaged of, and your innocence was taken away from someone who should have know better. There are so many thing that were taken away from you from this person who perpetrated you.
I am glad you still could make some meaning friends along the way, that is so important. I imagine it might even be harder for a male to experience this because it is less known. I am sure your deep depression was a result of this abuse. So now when you were ready to start a sexual relationship with somebody you cared about, it triggered you back to the time you were abused. It sure sounds like PTSD, what does your T say?

I want to make a comment about abused tend to abuse also. Well most do not, but it is true that it can cycle through generations of abuse. The fact you are afraid of it, tells me you probably won't do it, you know how it feels, and I feel you wouldn't hurt an innocent child they way you were harmed. I was abused terribly as a child and now I am a mom who has 2 kids 12 and 13 who I adore so much and I could never ever abuse them. I read lots of parenting books because I had to re learn how to parent, since my parents did not show a good example

I also suffer from PTSD, and it is very scary. I want you to know you are not alone in these feelings. I have been posting the last couple of days how I am feeling, and I too feel along and scared, but wonderful people here told me that I am not alone with my feelings.

It is going to take time to rewrite you sexual feelings, and it is a up and down journey. You have taken many good steps torwards healing, first a T, 2nd meds, and 3rd, you have reached out here. These are good things and with your intellegence and will to get better, you will you are doing the right things.

I have found a really good T who I am working on some very terrible memories of child abuse with right now, so maybe we can support each other and other here on PC as we go through our processes. Good luck, and don't hesitate to keep writing.

Exoticflower