Thanks p7 thanks sannah. I am so lucky to have my great T's. I am lucky. They help me so much I can feel healing and its slow but moving along. This pain is the healing because this time the pain finds its comfort and its words and I am not alone. I wanted a mom so bad and I was unable to see either of my T's and my one T said I can only since your not here tell you to wrap yourself in the purple blanket and hold your bear thats what i can do for you and I want you to feel loved and safe. That has helped me so much. I am going to go on ebay and post for a mom. LOL reallly. I need one. I need one to love me because I just do. I love moms. I dont know what I will do with one when I have one but maybe she can talk about bingo and stuff and I can mow her lawn and send her flowers. I need that gentle love from a mom really bad. So maybe I can find a mom on ebay who lives by me on the border of washington and oregon by portland and she will love me. LOL I know I am pathetic but hey there has to be a mom out there for me.