((((kebs))))), i'm sorry you are going through such a very difficult time. i believe after reading about what's going on with you i'd have a hard time trying to accept what you can't change too. having said that, ahem, perhaps a concerted effort to get someone to help you get back to your doctor is the main medicine you need right now. 'scuse the pun. i hope he can put you on something to relieve the pain and i think some of your depression would lift too if you weren't hurting physically so badly.
you asked what does hope look like?...good question...in this case i guess it's pc cause you posted to us...at least that's how i see it cause you wouldn't have posted if you had lost all hope. (((so big hugs to you))) and i hope you feel better real soon.
ps we both have the same avatar so i hope you realize my post is not you!