I'm in the worst low of my life atleast that is how I feel. Actually I believe I have been depressed for 22 years but learned to supress my emotions as a child. My mother passed away of breast cancer when I was nine years old. She battled cancer for three years which I remember being very confusing. My father on the other hand never shows any emotions and does not communicate well. So after my mother's death there was no discussing the matter. Several months later my father remarried because his engineering job was his life over parentling. Only the person he married was not a very loving person. She likes to think she was a replacement mother but she was not. And the thought of ever discussing my mother's death was unheard of. I was always led to believe to suppress my emotions. Of course my step brother lived with us and was a spoiled brat and could do whatever he liked. Me on the other hand lived by a different set of rules.

By the time I got to high school I rebeled against anything my father wanted me to do. I rebelled by joining the Marine Corps instead of going to college. I developed angry habits while in High School. Now you would never know that I was angry unless you really upset me.

As an adult I refused help from anyone and have decided to build my success on my own. This has been by living life by working hard and play hard. Since I was socially limited in High School, meaning my father would not let me attend any social events or date girls, I had period of time where I was involved in bad dating relationships. Since I had trouble dealing with these situations I would get down on myself. Not having a mother figure to talk about these situations I made my own decisions which led to horrible arguments. I have had sexual relations with many women which I'm not proud of today. I feel this is a result of being depressed and angered. I have visited a doctor but was diagnosed as ADD. I took concerta for a couple of years but realized that I'm not ADD but have a bigger issue. The ADD meds sort of helped since I was able to get things done throughout the day but did not fix the internal problem. So I quit taking the meds.

On top of everything, I am recently divorced with two young children. It kills me not being around my children as I love them very much. I had an affair which I know is bad and don't need to be reminded. But feel that I should never have gotten married before I had my issues fixed. As I've mentioned, I learned at an early age to suppress my feelings. Since my mother's death I couldn't tell you the last time I cried. Sometimes I feel like crying but can't. It's really really sad. I do now I hurt deep inside because of things that have happend in my life and the self destruction I've caused.

I saw a counsler after the divorce for several weeks but that became expensinve. I'm not one to jump on medications but starting to wonder if I need to let go and try some type of depression medication. I guess for the last 22 years I've lied to myself and others that I'm not depressed. Everyday I lie by showing people that I appear to be doing well in life by smiling and socializing. It's all fake though. I've had thoughts that people and situations would be better off if I didn't exist. Right now I'm the least productive I've ever been at work. Since I work from home I sleep all the time. I can't get basic chores completed around the house. I don't have the enery or motivation. I've written a lot but I can honestly say I'm in a really dark place. I want to get better and do the right things. Would I be better off by not trying to be such a tough guy and take some type of medications?