hi phoenix,

i havent "known" you for long on here but i did want to show my support. i am not sure of everything that is going on - but i think i get the jist of what happened most recently. i am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. and i am sorry to hear that your friend became ill and cannot offer the emotional support you need.

i hope the desparate days pass. hang on if you can.

but if you find yourself unable to cope - and i mean REALLY unable to cope - it is better to talk to your psych than do something irreversible. Remember that you are worth more than any job!
that being said - i wish i knew of something to relieve the pain. ive been in that place where the bad thoughts wont stay out and for some stupid reason harming yourself sounds like the only answer. unfortunately i dont have an answer, either. i find other ways to give into the grief that are a little less destructive but still sorta fulfill that kinda urge. but as ive gotten older i have realized that i just dont want to tolerate that kind of sick pain in my life and i am trying to reach out for help. its hard.

i think you must be stronger than you know. it seems like you were basically told, "dont exist," growing up -and yet you did not die. you survived. dont forget that.

i hope that you feel better soon.
hang in there and you will be in my thoughts,
clara

ps: and for the short time ive been here i do feel it is a safe place to talk,too. (and a needed place as i have really no one to talk to) im afraid sometimes if given the chance i'd put my whole life story on here! lol (not that anyone else would enjoy it but i'd get a kick out of it - bad parts and all). just liberating to talk in this format.