i had my suspicions for quite awhile. i was a very spiritual kid. and i let that i go. my mother did not approve, i dont think.

my mother and father have a very,very strong work ethic. they have succeeded at many things in life. they had hoped that i (and my siblings) would follow suit.

i guess i first started letting myself down - well, i let myself down from a really young age. i was baptized in my church shortly before my 8th b-day. this was all my own doing. no one forced me into it. in fact, i was a little afraid to come to my mother and ask her (my spirituality had at times been a source of "entertainment" for my family). i knew no matter the outcome that God and i had entered into a covenant. but i did want to make it public as is the custom. But even in the midst of all this striving for goodness an evil existed within me that would not be stilled. i prayed and cried and repented relentlessly but i would not stop committing the same sins over and over. alot of it was sexual in nature. this caused me great pain and overshadowed the good i tried to do.
so, i knew very early on i had these moral shortcomings.

my mother started to believe in my moral shortcomings in my late high school years. i was unhappy - becoming depressed. this was not acceptable. my depression got in the way of my "societal duties". i might have a nervous breakdown but by god, the neighbors were going to think well of us. my brother and i were supposed to uphold the family name in all that we did but it didnt work. we were left alone. all the time while my folks were out of town with our little sister. we were kids. we turned to anger and depression and alcohol. by then i had given up any semblance of spirituality and was a depressed closet heavy-drinker. (but i had remained chaste if you dont count grown man creeps i had no control over groping me in elementary and junior high) -but that was all about to change
the summer after graduation i was assaulted by a 36 yr old man from my town. my mother blamed me. i had to live with it alone - what would people think?
then it was off to college. the depression had only worsened with all the goings-on. my mother would barely look at me if i came home, so disgusted. my father would get in bed with me - i just wanted my mom to hug me. i fell apart at college and knew i couldnt call them. i made an attempt on my life. i wound up in the hospital for several days. my folks would not make the 45min drive to come see me or take me into their care. they would not release me unto my own recognizance. i became a temporary ward of the state. lots of other fun stuff over the next year. i wound up living in a half-way house. just lots of stuff. while in the hospital they orchestrated a meeting between my mom and i. i dunno - it hit me really hard at the time- where my life had gotten to - i sobbed through a good deal of it. my mom just stared at me. afterwards is when they said that my mother was "emotionally unavailable" and that i would have to look other places for support. (they were trying to find a support system for me when i got out) so off to the half-way house instead.
eventually i wound up moving 500 miles away and didnt really talk to them for years.

i tried to go over the stuff that had bothered me from our past one time about 3 years ago and it didnt go so hot. if she was just incapable of love that would be one thing, i could accept that but she heaps it on my sister, adores her - and thats okay (i just want her to love me, too) but instead when i asked her she said that she was sorry that she loved my sister more than me but that she just couldnt help it. "what do you want me to do, clara?"

not good. not at the time.but im pretty much over it now.
but i am pleased to say that we have a such a better relationship now. i never stopped loving her. it just hurt, ya know? we talk every week or so. i just had to let it all go. we just dont revisit the past.

oh, and the guy went on to assault other women - he went to prison a year or so after what happened with me. he just got out awhile back. i found him on a sex offenders site.

but i do have to fix this broken morality of mine and my poor work habits.