I have empathy for your experience. My father died when I was 15 after 5 long years of illness. I think when we're young, we can't get our heads around the loss and it makes it harder to heal. I went through years of depression afterwards. For me, losing him and a few other traumas have probably set my bipolar as a lifelong issue. therapy and medication have helped a lot over the years and I think spirituality as well. I was awfully angry; my mother isn't too stable and being left with her didn't help. when I started to release my anger, I started to heal in a lot of ways. Learning about the stages of grief and the fact that we revisit them through our whole life in different ways helped me be easier on myself. Just the fact that you wrote such a great, revealing statement indicates to me that you're ready to heal --- try therapy again; keep looking for someone you can work with--- maybe medications too.