thank you clara0clear0eyes and spotted owl and everyone who have given me their support it means a lot, I am hanging in there -

today I went and saw the psyche and showed her some of my writings - some pretty dark - she knows I am not in that place at the moment -I decided that if I dont give her a chance to see where I am then she really wont be able to help me - it was a huge risk for me - I am not used to letting anyone in that far - I have probably told everyone here more than most people know about me - I figure if I keep everyone out then I can stay safe - but safe doesnt exist anymore - I know that - I made sure that she knows that I am not at risk so she wont tell my staff psyche - dont think i could bear that -

So I am standing at the edge trying not to go there again - I still have the bad thoughts that I am at present able to control so that is good - it just wears you down - makes you so tired you just want it to stop - but i musnt give in -I have made it this far.....

Spotted owl I used to paint and have wanted to do so again so will try your suggestion. take care everyone P7