I'm really, really struggling.. And yet, I can't figure out why.. I mean.. Of course this whole police case is really getting to me, but everything else is kind of ok.. I guess not really having any-one IRL that I can talk to, without them saying "no, that's wrong, you should be thinking more like this" (like my mental health worker at college).. I am finding it really, incredibly hard and.. I've asked my connexions PA here to speak to my tutor about what's been going on recently and I hope that my tutor talks to me so that I can talk to her about all of this and just let her know how much I'm struggling..

I mean, I'm really not looking forward to the christmas gig on Rag Day on Thursday.. I've not even decided what/who I'll dress up as, so I'll probably just go as me... Or, just to make everyone laugh, say that I'm going as my tutor, because I look like her when I wear my red coat, straighten my hair and wear high heels and black trousers.. How boring? I mean, yes.. It's christmassy but still..

And then there's theory.. And singing lessons.. I'm soupposed to be doing my grade 8 (the highest grade) next year, which would be the second grade I've taken. (Last year I took grade 7). And I've only just started working on the songs I need to do, but the songs she's given me are for an alto voice, which yes, I can do, but I'd rather not do.. But then it shows off my range.. I guess.. Theory? I've got that iin 5 minutes and I'm panicking already and then the practising for the Final Major Project is after that and I bet my tutor won't let me do the one song I most want to do, along with another that I really want to do..

I am seeing my old and new key workers tomorrow, the old one, I'll be able to to tell all this.. I hope, the new one.. Nuh-uh.. So I'm at a complete loss.. Do I go home now? Or an hour early? Or do I just carry on with the day and go home exhausted and not wanting to see, hear, or talk to, anyone? I'm so stuck!!!

And I feel like I'm going to break down again.. Like I do every night, crying myself to sleep.. It's killing me inside.. I don't want to crash again, i really don't...