I'm back from college now. Went to theory and got quite confused.. My teacher wants to put me in at grade 3 or 4 I think.. And I'm terrified.. I only just managed to do the grade 5(ish) part of the paper that we were given.. And didn't even get around to finishing it.. I got too confused at that point. I came out of that lesson feeling tired and then had my performance lesson and had to turn a muse song into a live lounge style, which is proving very difficult.. But it helped to lift my mood.. Because I was singing again.

But then we had yet another talk about uni and it's really getting me down.. Because I just don't feel like I could cope with more education now.. But my tutor keeps saying to me that to be a professional musician I need to go to uni.. But I don't! It'd just get me into debt, put more work on me and more stress that I can't deal with.. But then there are so many other things that I want to do as well..

I want to become a professional singer, a veterinary nurse, or even a vet, have an animal sanctuary/rehoming centre of my own, before that get work experience doing that and do the animal management and veterinary nursing course at college, I want to be a counsellor/hypnotherapist, work for social services, be a receptionist, because I'm good at reading writing and spelling etc and get stuff done fast. And it's all so much stuff I want to do, yet half of this stuff I can't do as well as being a professional singer.. Because of tours and stuff.. I mean.. I'm planning on going on a tour of Great Britain next summer.. But before that I need to get some money.. And then before that I plan to go on the x factor, not to be neccessarily hugely serious about it, because it's not a lifelong wish of mine. It's just for the experience to be honest.. And then I want to advertise to do singing at parties and weddings and such. It's all too much to do at once!! And even before that, I have to get this bloody album done!

Writing songs and theory are two completely different things.. I mean.. There's so much more to theory than just "notes on a piece of paper with 5 lines on it" there's the different types of clef; Alto, Bass (F clef), Tenor and of course the usual Treble clef (G clef).. And then.. a minimum of 14 different key signatures and the notes that have sharps and flats to remember, then there's the time signature, whether it's 4/4, 3/4, 2/4, 6/8, 3/8, 2/2. etc. That's just the basics!! The different scales, which notes to "join" together, there's another word for it that begins with b and I've completely forgotten it. GAAAAHHHH!!! Then we've all just finished one essay for music industry, we have another one for that to be done by February, another one that has 3 tasks due in for February, then an aural & listening one.. Which means 2 lots of research, some examples of the music and then commenting critically on the music and the composer of the music, whether they're minimalist or impressionist.. Then there's arranging music to be done by January I believe, which is to re-write the score for "cavatina" from "The deerhunter" and put our own stylisic features into it.. That's about 6 pages long!

Then, practise for singing lessons, then work setting for my own singers that I teach.. Then job searching, going to see my Mum, going to get the rest of the christmas presents I need to get, and I need to pay for Connor's train ticket to go to both yeovil and Taunton.. Which, including me, altogether will cost me.. About £25.. And then £40 for his main christmas present, which means I have.. £15 for the rest of peoples presents.. That's £5 on Connor's Dad.. Roughly.. So £10 left for other stuff.. Like.. Rent.. And Electric.. Hm. Fun times. No money left after that and not for another week after that

And then I have to try not to let on about the rape whilst I'm at Connor's.. I can't flinch or anything, or stop people from hugging me.. I have to let it happen.. And then.. Connor might want to make love because it's christmas.. But.. I don't know if I could.. I'd feel too scared, like.. And this is going into a bit of detail.. If he was on top, I'd feel like it was happening all over again, but then even if I was on top, I'd just.. Probably freak out anyway.. Argh! I feel so s**tty for all of this happening.. I mean, on the way home, I kept looking over my shoulder, my head was whirring, I could barely see I was panicking so much.. I kept tinking there were people hiding in the bushes, or people were going to stop in their cars and grab me..

And now I've just found out that my friend swallowed a razor blade and is now in hospital after being rushed in, after the rehab staff called an ambulance, to have an emergency operation.. She has a tumour, she's been raped multiple times by her uncle, who is out again and has taken our friend's phone, so he can text her nasty things.. Ugh.. It makes me sick and I seriously can't deal with it anymore.. it's too much..

This isn't how it was supposed to be at all!! As soon as things start to look up, everyone seems to turn on me!! Can't something just go right.. For ONCE???!!

Thank you, Judy