Today was the deepest, most connecting session I ever had. To describe it is difficult because it is one of those experiences so deeply rooted in feeling, that words cannot do it justice. But I will certainly try.

Funny thing was that it was an EMDR session. I have done EMDR in the past, but in comparison to what it was centered on today (my father), the issues processed in the past are very light in comparison. I have always been a little turned off by EMDR (even though I really like the process and it does work) because I always thought it took away from the connection between me and my T. I hate the buzzers, I hate the headphones with the beeps. We usually don't use those. T is extremely sensitive to this, as he knows how important it is for me to be in the EMDR element, but still maintain my connection with him.

Today I followed his hand. He doesn't wave his finger back and forth in front of me. He just makes soft movements with his hand, about three movements at a time, and I follow with my eyes.

We were in the city office, which he just started working in 4 weeks ago. started off by saying, "I know you are not yet grounded in this office. I'm not either! So we are in the same boat. But it's okay. It's just me and you."

So then we started. I was scared. The images of my dad were tained by intrusive, scary versions of him. T spoke so softly and gently. His voice was hypnotizing. He kept saying, "It's okay. I'm here. You are here with me." Then it started to work differently. He said to let the images go wherever I wanted them to. So they began to flow. I found myself feeling as though I was travelling through different experiences that I had with my dad, through different periods in my life. I would tell T about them as I felt them. Tears were streaming down my face. It was at this point that I saw T reach for a tissue and wipe his eyes. At that moment, I knew there were no more questions about T feeling along with me. No more questions about T caring. No more questions of empathy. They were all answered for me right then. The EMDR came to a gentle stop and we looked in each others' eyes. For the last few minutes of the session, he remained completely attuned with me, with this look on his face, half sadness, but with this small, gentle smile that just said so much. To me it said, "I am as connected to you, as you are to me, right now."

I see him again on Thursday. Wow.