Ummm.. No, I probably didn't breathe knowing me.. Oops :/ I want to go over to Connor's for Christmas, I really do, because I love it there. There is always so much Christmas spirit and laughter and happiness and it's just what I need.. I just know that if I say something like I've had a bad experience, they'll press on it and not lave it.. I mean.. Today.. I had a cervical cancer jab, my second one. I had to take my coat off, I hated it because of my scars, because I thought they might ask questions, and because of not wanting anyone to see my body even when it does have clothes over the top.. She put the needle into my arm and as soon as her hand touched my arm, I jumped majorly.. I can just imagine her thinking 'whoa, she's a bit on edge..' I wish I could have just said something about it.. It's really getting to me now.. I feel I have to hide it because I feel as though, because he doesn't understand how it feels to be raped, he thinks it shouldn't be a problem me being cuddled and such. But it is. It's a huge problem.. And I can't deal with it. I suppose I could say that I'm still jumpy from the last rape.. I don't know though. I doubt tehy'd believe it.

I know, I know.. I just like to have something to give to people, I feel bad in myself if I don't.. Not because they might feel left out but because I just hate not giving things to people for birthdays or Christmas. I still need to get Connor's brothers' capo for his Birthday present which was about a week ago. I thought of a capo because he doesn't have one and I know how handy they are to have.. That's going to cost me at least £10 for a decent one, even better than mine!

I know that it's up to me.. But it's like.. I Do Want It, but then a little part of me says; 'this is scary, this reminds me of things I don't want to remember, this hurts because of how rough they were, how much pain they caused me physically..' I don't want to feel like I'm letting it affect me, I want to appear to be just getting on with my life, not letting those b*stards affect me anymore.. I want to appear Strong. It's a horrible feeling to have.. Yes I may be being strong by still keeping going and not harming since, going almost a month without harming myself in any way, shape or form, but I'd feel like I'm not strong because of letting them STILL affect me. Does any of this make sense?

The rush for me to get the album done is that I know you want it for Tori, and, obviously , to have a listen to yourself.. And because there are so many other people wanting to have it too and just because then I can say "yeah, I've done my first album already! At 17!" and then be able to work on my next batch of songs.. I want there to be a theme to each album if I can make it that way.. i want the album recorded for definate before I'm 18. That has always been my main goal. To still be 17 when I release my first album.

Yes, she swallowed a razor blade.. Just one of the blades.. it cut up her throat quite bad, but they got to her just in time to stop it doing anymore damage.. She's home now. She apologised and I dedicated a song taht I was listening to, to her. It was 'To Where You Are' by Josh groban, on youtube. She was grateful for it.. She's now seen a brighter light, like I did. She realises now that it doesn't have to be this way for her forever, and that she wants to get better, so she is making herself better and getting the help, accepting it and working with the people who are trying to help her, which really helped me.. I'm hoping to take out a video camera very soon, from college (they loan them to people) so that I can film myself singing my songs and playing them on my guitar at the same time, so I can then put them on youtube and link people to them. But that will be AFTER my album is done too.

I'm going up to my hypnotherapists room at college, in about 15 minutes, because she's the college health advisor too.. I'm getting a pregnancy test done.. And I'm terrified that if it says negative, I'll just break down in floods of tears.. But then if it says positive, I will do the same thing too because I just won't know what to do.. Either way I go, I couldn't cope.. If I kept the child, I couldn't cope. I can barely look after myself properly, with this depression and such, let alone a child too.. But then if I abort the child, that'd kill me too because I would be laden with guilt and sorrow that I couldn't have this child because it's a rapists child and connor would leave me if I kept it because he couldn't cope with that. I couldn't cope with that either, does he not get that?! It's as though he sees it as me thinking straight away; 'right, I'm going to a clinic right away to get it aborted, because I don't want a rapists child.' It's not like that at all.. It wouldn't Just be the rapist's child, it would be my child too.. And that's the thing that tears me apart the most.. Even so, it could be Connor's child and he just thinks it's the rapist's child so gets me to get rid of it, finds out it was actually his and then... I don't know..
I know I'm being so.. Detailed about this, acting like the child is there already, like I've done the test alread, but I haven't and I don't know the outcome, but these are my worries.. What'll I do? Even if it is his, he'll tell me to abort it and that'd really, really rip my life apart.. because, yes, it'd be for my own good because I'm not stable enough, but.. Mine AND His Child? How could he see it as something so easy? I don't understand.. I don't feel alive anymore, I feel like I'm going to faint any moment and I just.. Oh I don't know!

With my friend's uncle? Why should I be careful about him? Because he's a rapist too? I mean.. They all live in Surrey, so it's extremely far away from me.. About a 3 hour drive away so there's no way he could come and find me. But then again.. I'm going to see my friends over there next year, to go to a Josh Groban concert when he's next on tour.. So.. You never know..

I'm confused, and angry and upset and weak and tired and.. and.. Moody and all over the place today and Connor is not going to help if he starts questioning about the test.. i guarantee one of the first things he'll say, if not The first thing, is "Was the test positive or negative?" I don't want to talk about it at all to him.. I have a 'book of drems' at home taht i have written all about this into, it's just a normal a4 notepad, that I have called my book of dreams, becaus eit is what I hope to happen in the near future and later on in life.. One of those is to have a child... And I mean within the next 3 years or so.. Scary when I'm only 17, 18 in 6 months.. And by then, I'd want to be at thevery least engaged, but I'd prefer to be married.. It's all planned out and I've told Connor I don't want to talk to him about it or show him what's been written because i've spoken to him briefly about it before and I know his opinion about it (having a child, kitten, getting engaged etc.)

I mean, with the kitten thing, I said I wanted ot get one when I move into a flat and am allowed pets in the flat and he was like; "Great! That's a brilliant idea! I love it!" and hugged me, but then as soon as I said it'd be a disabled kitten, he was like;"Oh... Why couldn't you just get a standard kitten, one that's healthy? Because although to you it's doing something nice for a nother living thing, it'd make you depressed because of the animal being disabled and such and you wouldn't be able to be there all the time helping it if it can't walk properly or whatever. It's a new experience.. Even just having a kitten is a new experience.. because yes, you've had one before, but that was when you were living with Shana and everyone, in a house, with lots of people there to look after the cat as well as you, even though he was your cat and still is, but now that you've moved out, everything is a new experience.. Because you're on your own now.." That got me annoyed because I just thought 'well thanks for reminding me how alone I am now that I live Alone.' I know that I can deal with it.. He doesn't know whether I can or not, but I know that Any Form Of Animal, Disabled or NOT, Will Help Me. He doesn't seem to understand that i can look past a disability, he doesn't seem to get that I would feel such a huge sense of achievement for helping a kitten grow older and help their disability become less and less visible (it'd be a cat with cerebellar hypoplasia, check it out on youtube if you need to) as they get older. He siad to just get a "Normal" (ugh, I hate that word!!!!) kitten, get used ot having a kitten and look after it and then when that one "Dies off" (hate that too!!!), get another one, that is disabled.. It makes me feel crappy because.. By the time the first kitten dies, another 1,000 disabled kittens could have been put down.. It's sickening. He doesn't get how strongly I feel about these things.. I mean, he's fully up for me working at a veterinary surgery, where I'd get upset at seeing an animal die, quite happy for me to see that everyday, but not for me to HELP a disabled kitten? To feel useful, instead of useLESS because I'd be killing an animal, not saving it from slaughter because of a disability? *SIIIIIGGGHHHHHH!!!*

I can't do this if he's just going to try and keep stopping me from doing things that I KNOW will help me, that I BELIEVE will help me... Maybe it won't, but I have to take that risk and if I can't handle it, i get help with it. Simple? Yes. GRRRR!!