I know, but my original goal was to have it done by Christmas, so that I could throw christmas songs in.. But now, I can't.. Well i can.. But.. *sigh*.

I am being careful about my friend's Uncle, don't worry... If things get too much, I'll tell her that they are and she'll be ok with it.. I've told her before and she was ok with it.. I'll talk to her tonight about it if i get a chance, because it is getting too much now.

We made love today.. It was nice in the way that it was passionate, instead of like the rape.. But then again.. I forgot just how rough the guys had been, so there was slight pain too.. But then.. Every so often I just got a flashback.. Everytime I closed my eyes.. Connor said we could stop, but I hate feeling like I'm letting him down, so I said no, we'll carry on.. I had the desire.. But the f;ashbacks spoilt it, but I was so determined not to let them ruin it for me.. But they did.. And I feel really crappy for that.. I didn't want Connor to come into close contact with me, in case the guy did give me any infections.. i said that and he said "I'm inside you now, so it'll make no difference.." which, in itself was true, and fair enough.. I just don't want to pass anything on to him. You know? I'll just blame myself as always..

I guess I need to get out of this damned depression that I'm in before I go helping another living thing in such high need, you know? I think that's what his point is.. But i just know that when i move out, I will feel more secure and less depressed because I'll be out of this s**thole, away from all the people that keep f*cking everything up for me.. And now my sister's not being the nicest of people, along with the girl who let me borrow her phone. ukhrfiuhf#[0ip['t,flhiughevfwjnvfeutfcjg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***** OOOOOOOOFFFFF!!!!

Sorry, random outburst.. She asked me this morning when she'd get her phone back. This is the second time this week already, i told her I'd let her know when I know, and that I've already told her what I know so far and that she has to be patient. So she has to go ahead and tell me everyone that lives here (30 odd people) all hate me. Hm. Hard to believe when 2 of those people are actually the people that came to me the other day and after a fall out a while ago, asked to be friends again. She was swearing and cussing at me, but I just sat there and laughed, as she watched me writing my cunning, non offensive, non-swear-word-laden- replies. It actually lifted my mood a little, but then again.. I have a feeling in half an hour, I'll go back to my room and cry.. :|

As for the pregnancy.. I have wiped out the option of adoption because I know how much it messed up with my life.. I couldn't put a child through that.. That'd tear me up even more than living with the child, or having to abort it *gulps* (hate that word )

I'm not in the right place, emotionally, physically, mentally or financially. Not at all, so there's no way i could keep a child.. So I guess it's the other option.. If I am pregnant that is.. the health nurse said that because I had a period not very long ago, there's no point in taking the test because it'd just come up as negative anyway.. So.. i have to take it in about 2-3 weeks time when I'm due to come on. Scary stuff.

Another thing the nasty little b*tching girl said was that I've lied about the rape, she hopes Connor dumps me and that she hates me. Nice. She was running out of ammo at this point, I could tell. I laughed my butt off and she got even more angry sitting next to me, whilst I was laughing at what she'd written. Then explained the meaning of true love. hehee! I am very proud of myself for that.

Back to the rape.. I still don't think Connor does know how it's affected me.. I can't explain to him.. i mean, for instance when we were making love, and he touched me and I flinched, I kept apologising.. Saying "sorry my love.. I'm sorry I keep flinching.. I just.. I'm sorry..." To which he'd reply; "It's ok baby, honestly. It's ok. I understand.." But he doesn't.. he really doesn't.. There was one point where he kissed me and he was leaning over me, so when he kissed me, I pulled away because I got the picture of the rapist's face into Connor's face if that makes sense.. I could sense the offence he took from it, so kissed him again.. To make up for it, to show him that I do want to kiss him, but it's just the rapist.. like he's not left me at all, like he's still there and decides to come out of hiding, into the picture, you know? God, this is so.. morbid..

I don't want to live like this, yet no-one will give me any form of counselling for the rape, I have no-one that specialises in rape cases, so I can't talk to anyone.. I have no-one, absolutely no-one to talk to about it, no-one to support me at all, no matter how much I ask for it and it's really making things all the more harder and I'm more likely to crash... *cries* Told you I'd cry.. This is horrible, I can't take much more abuse.. It's ripping me apart..