I had an affair from January - June this year. It ended suddenly, due to my crash into a deep depression that resulted in 3 suicide attempts and 2 hospitalizations over the summer. I have both Bipolar II and Borderline.

I did tell my husband about the affair. He also knows about a string of one-night-stands back in 2006. The 2006 crap we can directly attribute to a manic episode triggered by the antidepressants they gave me when I thought it was postpartum depression, not bipolar.

But the affair...is more than just an impulse. It lasted 6 months...and I still think about him, months after it ended.

I deleted all my methods of contacting him - email addresses, phone numbers, etc. But a couple months ago, he called me on my cell phone just out of the blue, totally surprised me. He asked how I was doing, if I was okay. He was concerned about me because of my mental state. He asked if it was okay if he kept in touch once in a while. I said yes. Why did I say yes?!

Then...just a couple days ago, I got an email from him. Asking me how I'm doing, if I'm excited for the holidays, asking about my daughter. One thing we have in common? Both of us are married to someone else...and both have a 3 year old daughter.

Part of me wants to respond. Just talk to him again. Never meet in person, but just have someone to talk to. That's what it started as.

But who am I kidding???

I am going to destroy two families if I don't stop this.

My husband loves me so much. I have put him through a LOT of **** that any other man could have got up and left me years ago. There's the affairs. Spending all his money. Gaining 100 pounds in 3 years (I binge). There are the multiple suicide attempts. Mood swings. (keep in mind...we didn't know it was Bipolar until about April of this year...)

He is still here, he still wants to be married. When I told him about this affair, I am the one who mentioned divorce, not him. He said no way, no divorce. He wants to be married.

I really need to fix my marriage. On the surface, it is great. We get along fine, we don't fight, we have fun with our daughter, we're great financially, everything is fine...except one small detail.

There is no romance, period. No affection. No intimacy. No sex. No cuddling. No making out. No holding hands. No hugs. No weekend getaways. No evenings out together/alone, No romantic walks at sunset....NOTHING!

We love each other, but it is like brother-sister love, not husband-wife love.

I want to stay together for my daughter's sake, I don't want her shuttled between two homes.

I guess I have two questions for this board:
* why do I keep thinking about the other man
* how do I figure out why my husband has zero sex drive

He had a low / non-existant sex drive even before I ever cheated on him, before I ever gained weight. It's been this way for years. I guess I should just get used to it somehow.

A sexless marriage is defined as less than 10 times a year. We have been dating for 8-1/2 years, married for almost 4 years. It has been 'sexless' for at least 6 years.

We might average once a month, but then go for 3-4 months with zero contact whatsoever. Then I might get really lucky and get it twice in one weekend, but then nothing for 6 months. The longest was a 9 month dry spell. Right now...8 months. He hasn't touched me since April.

I know the infidelity has an impact, he probably pictures me with the other man and it grosses him out, he doesn't want to be with me. I get that. I'm waiting for him to show he's ready.

But...it was like this before I cheated. It was like this before I gained the weight. So we can't just blame it all on those two issues. There is something else going on. What?

But then the bottom line is....if I really love him, I should love him enough to go without. Sex isn't that important, or it shouldn't be. I should love him enough that it wouldn't bother me. If he were paralyzed from the waist down, I should love him enough to go the rest of my life without it, right? If he were in the military, I should love him enough to go 2 years without while he is deployed, right? So why do I let it get to me so much?

We tried marriage counseling. Went for 9 weeks...and got nowhere. The counselor just wanted to shove issues under the rug and not deal with them. I thought that was the opposite of what counseling was supposed to be.

I am in individual therapy for my illnesses. Whenever I tell her about having thoughts of the other man, she just increases my dose of medication (she does meds and therapy). She doesn't address the issues. And she keeps asking me how things are going with my husband, and asking about the sex part. Telling me I should try and get that back in our relationship, that it is really important. That just makes me feel even more guilty, and even more rejected.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this all out.

Thanks.