 molly , i'm fairly new here and don't know the specifics of your situation. having said that, i lived in fear for 10 years of my adult life in a violent relationship. i hope you will consider how dangerous this situation, you are in, is. or at least your post sounds like you're in danger or being controlled. i feel i don't need to know the info cause i've lived what you are going through now. i hope you will be safe. your posts are always so supportive to others. do you have support in your life? i truly hope so.
we're always here for you too... 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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