I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. But it's been 3 years now since the break up.
I moved in with my mom a couple of months ago.
When my mom gets really frustrated or angry she tends to throw things and shouts out curse words.
The first time she did it (not at me), was right after the break up and I really freaked out. I had to leave the room and talk myself down, cause I was feeling really scared.
We talked about it later and she said she wouldn't do that ever again.
Well, she has done it again, twice in the past week. The first time was a minor upset for her but I reacted strongly. I went in my bedroom and covered my ears and tried not to cry, but some tears came out.
She apologized after and we talked. Turns out she was bottling up a lot of stuff about me. I have been having a really rough time lately, and she is very worried and stressed about it.
Then yesterday, she dropped a bottle of wine in the garage. I heard the glass break and I guess knew she would be mad and just tuned it out. Then she started yelling in frustration. I literally went to the opposite end of the house, stood in a corner and tried not to be scared.
Then I realized she wasn't just yelling in frustration, she was yelling at me to help her and yelling that she couldn't understand why I wasn't helping her.
So, I went into "panic damage control mode" just like I used to do in my abusive relationship and ran to help her. But, when I got to her and she started asking me why I didn't come when I heard the glass break, I just totally lost it and started sobbing, shaking and my breathing got a little labored. All the while, I was trying to explain to her why I didn't come right away. But, I actually didn't know at first so it took a while before anything I said made any sense to her.
Anyway, she felt terrible and apologized. Then she promised to never yell or throw stuff again.
Now I feel guilty. That's kind of her outlet. Yelling and throwing stuff. She never breaks anything or berates me or anyone. It's pretty minor.
But, apparently I can't handle it so now she feels like she has to curb her only outlet--just for me.
I also feel mad and ashamed that I am apparently not "over" the abuse.
But, I don't know how to not have that reaction.
I told her she didn't need to promise to never do it again.
But, I did ask her to either call her doctor to increase her ativan or talk to someone about stuff so she doesn't get so agitated. That she wouldn't do.
So, at the same time I feel guilty, I feel mad at her. I recently got back on meds because she asked me to and now she won't do the same when I ask her to.
I don't want this to happen again, but I really don't know what to do.
I don't even know what "this" is. I have never considered PTSD to be an issue with me. I don't think "this" is a flashback. I had a lot of bad nightmares for a while after the break up. But not anymore. And I know my mom would never abuse me.