I am really prud of myself for standing up for myself and for coming so far with the depression.. i mean, I'm really struggling right now, but all that matters to me at the moment is the fact that I'm still holding onto that hope that things will get better, still thinking about the fact that it will eventually get easier such a long way compared to my other posts, from a while ago.

I know Connor is trying and I really do love him for that.. The onyl rape hotline there is that I know of is victim support, and the police are supposed to allocate me someone from theer, but they actually haven't they're being so damned useless at the moment! ARGH! I haven't been told of any groups around, or any specialist counsellors, people that specialise in rape, in this area. It's so crappy! I don't think I could set it up anytime soon to be honest..

I know, I'm glad that I'm deciding this.. But just having a kitten would help my mental state.. I know adoption can be a wonderful thing if handled correctly, and I just know that if I was to give a child up for adoption, I just would not be able to let go, because I'd be terrified that they end up like me.. I'd rather keep a child than put them through that.. I really would.

See, I'm trying my best to hold onto the fact that it won't last forever, but something new always crops up to make me cry again.. I mean tonight.. Was the christmas party here at the foyer, YMCA, that I live in (it's supported housing for 16-25 yr olds), and it's supposed to be a happy, chilled out night, right? Wrong. When the person that was a witness who lied about the rape, was there and her "friend" Charlene, who used to be a "friend" of mine was there, and a few other people who hate me because of Sam (the witness) spreading lies about me, it was the worst party I have ever, in my whole entire life, been to. They were all looking at me, talking about me, laughing at me when I went to light a candle, to show that I was sharing prayer with the other people who were lighting candles.. I knew that they were saying that I was praying that the case would come through positively for me, meaning the guy gets sent down.. but actually, no. I didn't pray for me at all.. I almost cried, I admit that.. because all i was thinking about was others and about how these girls were *****ing about me, ruining my happy mood because my singing had gone well earlier on in the day.. The people I was praying for were two people, two friends that I have never met face to face, met online and have been worried about and was hoping were okay. I prayed for them because I felt they were in need of my hope and my prayer.. I ignored those *****es laughing at me, to concentrate on the one thing that was important to me, and that was to ensure that at least someone was keeping watch over those friends, making sure that they would be okay. And really, I hope that the prayer will help them to be safe.. I'd hate for anything to happen to them..

A friend opposite me listed a few things that she thought I'd paryed about and none of them were right, because the most important things to me was my friends, you know? I then went and sat back down and as I was laughing and joking with people on my table, Sam turned to Sarah (a girl who sam has made hate me) and said "See? She wouldn't be smiling and laughing so much if she'd been raped!" It infuriated me, i felt like standing up, going over there and making her not realise what hit her, because she'd be too unconscious to know.. I never talk like that, but that is really how she made me feel

I just carried on enjoying myself, I wanted to show the staff that, despite what's happened, I can put it to rest for at least a few hours in order to have a little bit of fun.

I just hope things do start to look up.. i really, really do..