I know.. I mean.. I do keep myself huddled up in my room, after the centre closes at 9.. i try my best not to go and see people because I want to be left alone, and yes, I am fearful of every sound, shadow, movement.. Anything and it's horrible.. I'd rather have the distraction of people.. I mean, for instance, I was going to go to a drinking session at a friend's house, with people there that both Connor and I trust, which was an added bonus for me that people that Connor trusts are going to be there. So, as he'd asked me to before, I let him know.. But no. He was having none of it.. Do you know what he said? Ugh, this really got to me.. "ugh.. After you've just been raped, do you think that's a good idea?"
So, being pissed off with a lot of people at that point telling me what I can and can't do, I bit back..

"you know, you say this about the rape, about not going out drinking, I wasn't going to go out drinking, i was going to see a few people, not even drink, just chat and have a laugh,so I can cheer myself up after a ****** night. A night that was supposed to be full of christmas cheer, but just ****ed up and caused me to feel really ****. I wanted to go see people to make me feel better. And I'm sorry for wanting to make myself feel better, I really am." He'd left by then. so will probably get it as an offline message at some point.. I just couldn't hold in ho wfed up I am with people always telling me what to do.. I'm independent, I live alone, I have no-one here that wants to spend time chatting with me, so why can't I spend time with people that actually do and that actually give a **** about me? People that CAN protect me and anyway, i wasn't going to drink..

Would he rather me drink alone? In y room, get pissed on my own and feel really **** still? Rather than go out, not drink, or just have a couple of glasses of wine and feel ok, light headed, but okay, able to chat and laugh..?
FEEK OKAY!!!!

He wants to meet up with me now.. Great.. Get ready for me to be even more pissed off tomorrow.. let's hope I'm not because I'm going to see my birth Mother tomorrow.. i want to be okay for her sake..

I just wish things didn't look so bleak all of the time!!! Even when things are starting to look up, I start to dread when the next bout of s**t's going to come along..