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Mazer I hear you and your pain. I went through that last year when my relationship with my old T ended suddenly. All I can say is that it will get better with time. Since you mention you want to continue to work on yourself, do you think you feel up to finding another T? Is it too soon?
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The patient's job is to repeat in the therapy all the stuff that has been disastrous before. The T's job is to not let it happen, but to point out how it is happening. 
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