I don't know if I'm spiraling like EM or escalating...but this is bothering me more and more. I don't remember it bothering me last year.

Lately we have been talking about how my dad used to buy my silence/affection with $. Who knows. Maybe it's because it's the holidays and I'm having a hard time this year. Or maybe because it makes the relationship about money. It makes me question whether it is real? Whether it is just about money for him? I can't help but think that if I'm coming x3 weekly, it should be considered. When he discussed fees, he said it goes both ways. Maybe I'm just looking for a way to be the special client. Maybe I feel like I'm my dad now, buying his affection with money. Who knows. The mind is an endless of pain and I don't want to pay anymore. (Oppps Freudian slip, I was going to write I don't want to PLAY anymore).