Oh, hun, I am so sorry for all you have to go through.

I wish it wasn't so hard to GET HELP when you so desperately need it. They make it so difficult, it's no wonder people go without finding help for so many years.

I finally tried to get help 3 years ago, when I thought it was severe postpartum depression. I started calling for appointments when she was 2 months old. My insurance had a very small list of people I could see, even though I was in a large city. I called every single number on the list. Most had at least a 6-8 week wait, several were not accepting new patients, period. My income was *barely* to high to use the low-income clinics, but even there it was a 2 month wait. And no one was open after-hours, and I worked full-time.

I just gave up. I thought if it was postpartum, it would go away, right?

Two months later, I was falling off the deep end. I started calling. This time I actually took an appointment for 6 weeks later. I finally got in to see someone in February, my daughter was 6 months old. I saw a pdoc for about 15 minutes, after which he prescribed Celexa (ironic!) and told me to see him again in a MONTH. They also got me an appointment with a LCSW. I had to bring my baby because I had no daycare. She was "uncomfortable" doing a therapy session with a baby in the room. She tried to get a background from me, but basically did nothing.

Between then and my next appointment (a MONTH later...), all hell broke loose. At this point in my life, I didn't know all the signs of Bipolar. I always thought Mania = Psychosis. No one told me all the other stuff, especially not the doc who prescribed me antidepressants. I was calling in sick to work, but still spending all day as if I was at work. Binging on food like crazy. Spending money like it grows on trees. And the sex crap... I was not myself. In all that craziness, I lost my job because my husband showed up on Valentine's Day to surprise me, I had called in sick, I was at a motel with some guy I met off the internet and didn't even know his name. I was a mess.

Anyway...with that job, I lost my benefits. So I had a new insurance to deal with. I started calling for appointments and got the long waits, even when I told them it was urgent. One day, I drove myself up to the psychiatric hospital and told them I needed help. I was highly suicidal, but also having thoughts of harming my own baby. I didn't tell them about those thoughts, because I was too scared they would lock me up forever and take my baby from me. But I told them I was suicidal. I even told them all the crazy stuff I had been doing, and that I wasn't myself, and that I was on Celexa and taking it exactly as prescribed.

They turned me away. Sent me home to "watch a funny movie" and got me an appointment a WEEK later with a psychiatric nurse.

I went to that nurse. I told her all the crazy stuff I did. She NEVER ONCE mentioned Bipolar to me at all. Prescribed Effexor. Then after only four visits, she said "I don't know how to help you" and I never heard from her again. She never refilled my prescription, never offered a referral, never returned my calls. I had to go off Effexor cold turkey.

After that I gave up on getting help at all. I just thought it wasn't worth all that hassle when they don't even help you at all.

I did fine in 2007. But early this year...things spun out of control again.

I started trying to find a shrink here around February. Got the same deal as before, 8 week waits, not accepting new patients. I got in to see the only Psychologist in town in March. First session went well. Second session....went beyond okay. Sexual harrassment. That guy was a creep.

But then - finally - FINALLY - I found the psychiatric nurse practitioner that I am working with now. She has been a GODSEND to me, she saved my life, she is so amazing. After all the hell I went through to get help, it has finally paid off.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to say...I am so sorry that the system is so f'd up right now. Keep trying and trying until you can get the help you need. Eventually, I hope you can find your perfect pdoc/therapist that will help you turn your life around.

When I was in the hospital in June, I concocted a really big plan. Yes, it was a "grandiose thought," but one of these days I want to make it a reality. I wrote it all on napkins in my ER room a day after a suicide attempt. My plan is to create a 711 system for mental health services. Combine an emergency/suicide hotline with a non-emergency hotline where all you have to do is call, say "I need help," and they GET YOU THE HELP YOU NEED without you having to go through all this ***** to get help. They call the insurance, they make the appointments, they cut through the red tape, then simply call you back and tell you when and where to show up. There would also be an online system, 711.org, to do the same thing - you type in your information, they do all the work and get you the appointments. There is follow-up to see if treatment is going well, and if not, they help you find someone else. There's more...but this is already too long! Suffice it to say, my dream is that one day NO ONE has to go through all this to get help, NO ONE.

You wouldn't expect someone with a broken arm to use that same broken arm to put a splint on themselves, would you? So why expect someone with a mental illness in an urgent (but not crisis) situation to use their compromised brain to handle all the steps it takes to get help?