Wow, coconut, this is bringing up a lot for you....and that's really important to pay attention to.

For me, the only real way out of the spiral (when T is the "cause") is to talk to T about it...to be honest and tell him all of my fears, suspicions, worries, etc. I know it's uncomfortable to talk about finances with T for a lot of people, but is this something you can bring up with him to discuss some more??

It's amazing how one thing (fees) can lead to another (dad) in T, isn't it??