You sound like you are not happy with your weight.

Now that's an understatement!! I hate how fat I have become.

I weigh 240 pounds. The same I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant, the highest I have ever weighed. When we first met, I was a 110 pound size 6 19 year old. I am not the same person he met. He has never gained an ouce, I have gained over 130 pounds.

I gained most of the weight between 2002-2004 from binge eating. Then got pregnant. Then lost a little. Started Weight Watchers in 2007, got down to 169 pounds last September. But I was back up to 199 pounds this September. And thanks to the LOVELY(not!) drug Zyprexa, I gained another 40 pounds since September.

I am starting over on a diet/exercise plan as of December 29th. My New Year's Resolution (cliche) is to lose 100 pounds in one year. It's possible if I lose 2 pounds a week. I really want to do it.

Anyway...back to the subject - I always blame our poor sex life on my weight. I KNOW it must effect him, somehow. I'm not sexy anymore, and I know that. Well...one nice side-effect is I do have bigger boobs...but still...

But then I keep going back to this old photo I have of us on our first cruise togehter in 2001. I was 20 years old, size 6, had just been tanning, in a short dress, dressed up for the nice dinner night on the cruise. I looked friggin' HOT in that photo!! I use it now as my "motivation" picture for weight loss.

But guess what? On that cruise - a 5 day cruise - we NEVER had sex, not once, the entire time. I remember one night they had a midnight buffet, and I begged him to come back to the room with me, but he wouldn't. He was more interested in eating a midnight buffet than me.

All these years...the only thing I want to know is WHY. WHY doesn't he want sex.

Right now - I can blame it on the infidelity, my weight, late work schedules, maybe he's just tired.

But then why was the sex bad BEFORE I ever cheated, BEFORE I gained all the weight.....I don't know.