Hello,
I am borderline as well. Officially diagnosed in 2000 but I mark the turning point from super sensitive child to Borderline at about 8th grade when I was sexually abused by an older "friend". Funny how I can tell that turning point. Sigh. I was hospitalized in 2000 and started my journey of "healing". G*d I hate that term. "Healing". Hack up a fur ball. I just wanted to be Normal. I have done well. I behave and cope more "normally" now then the Norms out there. I am extremely high functioning. I am telling you this because I was like you. I lived with suicide ideation for at least ten years. I needed it because when I thought about suicide I was not trapped in my situation because I knew there was a way out. I have been told that this type of thinking is not a good thing. I felt like a freak. I felt like a black hole. You know that empty space in the middle of the chest that can never be filled? It hurts doesn't it? I screamed, slammed doors and broke things on a regular basis. I self injured in a miriad of ways often with the shards of the things I broke. Yep, that was me.

Now, as I said earlier I am more Normal then the norms in everyday life. I haven't self injured since the beginning of the year. I talk my way through my anxiety. Mostly telling myself it is normal to feel anxious. Ha ha. There is a lot I would say about this but I have a post I want to write about my "borderline Moment" that involves most of what I would say here so I will save it. So long story short I am doing very well. I credit this to a heck of a lot of hard work. I have been going to therapy since I was hospitalized. I was with one therapist for almost 4 years but I out grew him. He took me a long ways in stablizing my ego and admitting that there was a grey area. I look to him as my father figure which is wierd because he is only a year older then me ha ha. But I was able to put him into that position. He slowly helped me work through my childlike behaviors. I have hated him. I have believed that he was in it with my husband to make me insane. I have thought he was the worst person on the face of the earth bent on my distruction. But I made the commitment to get well, to learn how to be "OK". Fortunately I read the book "Lost in the mirror" along with many others and knew that all the horrible feelings I had about my therapist were "normal" for borderlines so I held on to that knowlege and stuck with him. He set bounderies in our relationship and showed me compassion. He only once snapped at me. I was whining about how tired I was doing this "healing" work. He simply said "You can say your tired all you want but you still have to do it." So I did it.

Eventually I out grew him. I became a "teenager" and was time to seperate from my parental figure and move to a mentor. I found my current therapist through my work. She is a transpersonal therapist who is able to work using spiritual terms. She has all the education of a conventional therapist plus a couple more years in transpersonal theory. With her I am free to talk about spiritual symbolism and my relationship with God and all sorts of other things that I couldn't talk to my other therapist about. She is trained to help people through their spiritual emergencies as they experiment with their spirituality. But she hasn't let me go there yet because my ego still needs to become fully form for me to do that kind of work. But through her I have been able to make leeps and bounds in healing becuase I was able to in a healthy fashion seperate from my father and move to my mentor. Just like we are supposed to do in real life. Geez this is long. I am sorry. All I really wanted to say was I am borderline and there is hope.
Sincerely,
Zen