I seem to no longer be able to trust people, which obviously is affecting my desire to even have any relationships/friendships or people around me. I don't even know what this is, but lately I've felt like there's a lot under the surface of everyone I deal with, that they aren't being truthful to my face or with their words, that they know more about me than they are letting on and gathering information on me without me knowing about them doing it and then making off-handed comments here and there. It didn't help matters when I got an IM from someone I barely know the other day making a comment about something I swear they can't possibly know about me by searching the Internet, and I thought they didn't know anyone that I know, but then I started wondering if maybe they are playing games and not telling me they know someone I know who can see my "protected" social networking profiles. One person I know REALLY triggers this stuff within me as it seems like he really cannot ever have a straightforward conversation to begin with and I feel that he is incredibly manipulative to get what he wants from others and plays mind games to hint at what he wants, but as soon as you ask him if it's what he wants, he will immediately deny it. Another friend of mine has had a drinking/drug problem for awhile and I've finally suspected it is a lot worse than he's ever told me and I'm sick of him hiding it from me.

I've lately just mostly isolated myself but if I start thinking about any of this, I want to shake the raw, straightforward truth out of everyone I know. And I really do mean I want to shake them, I get extremely angry thinking about any of it and want to make them tell me the truth about everything, because it seems like they aren't. I want to yell at people about how they are liars and I'm sick of mind games and illusions they play. In fact, earlier tonight someone I knew confided in me that she ENJOYS going behind backs of people and setting up lawsuits with them over the most frivolous things, total dishonesty and abuse of the system...the utter backhandedness and illusion of niceness out of this disgusting person triggered in me such intense rage that bashing her over the head with a rock repeatedly would have been refreshing.

The problem is that rationally, logically, my mind thinks the way I am feeling is absolutely abnormal. Plus my intense irritation with almost everyone I come into contact with lately and wanting to hurt them is definitely not. I have absolutely no idea what this is, or what is even causing it, I'm sure it sounds like there's triggers in what I wrote above but it's really a longer-standing pattern that has for whatever unknown reason intensified beyond comfort.