I have been doing so well. I have accomplished so much. The work I have been doing in therapy on my borderline coping skills has gotten me to a place I never thought I could be...ever!

I used to work for a metaphysical book store. I loved working there. I grew so much over the years I worked there because it was a supportive environment with great co-workers and a good boss. I felt like I was an asset to the store and appreciated. I felt good about what I did.

Last August the store moved to a new building the the boss and her husband built. Since that time work became and energy drain. I won't go through the whole thing because it would take forever. Simply put after the move worked sucked me dry. I dreaded going because I could never do enough.

In December I had it out with the boss and her husband. I sat in the break room with them for 45 minutes and told them in a calm cool manner that I didn't like what they were doing to a co-worker and that I felt it was wrong. I didn't lose my temper, I didn't cry and I used force of will to keep the topic on track and not let them pull me into other drama. It was amazing. Two days later I self injured for the last time. In January I started applying to other places for work.

Last month my hours got cut again. Our hours have been hacked back repeatedly over the last few months because the store isn't making enough money in the new location. Mine got cut back to 16 hours a week. Everyone else was getting 20. I got upset, talked it out with the manager. Wasn't satisfied. Then through an amazing series of serendipity which I give thanks to the divine for, I got a new job at a small pharmacy in walking distance from my house. I quit. I had an exit interview with my boss and told her why I left which wasn't just about hours but how poorly I felt at work. I have started my new job, been training for the last few weeks. High Stress.

I am telling you all this because I wanted to illustrate just how high my stress level has been. EXTREMELY HIGH. But through it all I have been able to talk myself through and not self injure and not go into that dark place. I have stayed out of circular thinking and with effort have been able to find the grey in each situation. I have been trying to take good care of my physical and mental body. Getting enough sleep, taking healing baths and daily showers. Letting myself be. I have done so good!! Awesome, Magnificently! I like my new job and my new coworkers say they are impressed by me. All is wonderful!

Until Monday. Monday was my 18th anniversary with my husband. We both worked so we decided we would go out to dinner on Wednesday instead. No big deal. This happens every year. But I bought my husband a card. He didn't buy me one. He said that he was going to on Wednesday. Then he said that he had made plans to go out to see his friends new house. This was no big deal to me. I have been extremely sick with a cold and trying to train and work with it has been tiring so going to bed early would be a good thing. He told me he would leave their house at 11 unless **** got there earlier then he would leave there earlier. So I figured he would be back by 12. Ha! That is a joke. I woke up a midnight then every 15 to 20 minutes after that (I was drugged up on niquil) and he wasn't there. Finally at 2:53 (I looked at the clock) I dragged myself out of bed just to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep on the couch and I was worrying about nothing. I looked in the kitchen to see if he was on the computer and then in the livingroom to see if he was sleeping there. He wasn't home. My heart went up into my throat. I was so scared.

Now for some history. Ever since I moved in with him he has been doing this to me. He will tell me he will be home at a certain time like 11 and then doesn't show up until after the bars close. This is bad enough in itself but my being borderline magnifies the problems 10 fold. I have on many occasions been a fraction of an inch from killing myself because I was so convinced that he had died in a car crash and I was all alone. I have done so much damage to my body and my mind and my heart chakra trying to cope with this situation. I screamed at him for this, I have talked rationally to him about this I have begged him to please no matter what the time call me to let me know he is going to be late. Still to no affect.

Anyway, monday night after I saw he wasn't home I looked out the window and he was just pulling in. The relief flooded in. Which sucks because the relief comes and I am so grateful that he is still alive that I dont give him hell. I did say something when we were in bed and asked him to appologize but his appology isn't enough.

So, here I have coped stunningly well with a miriad of stress and complication in my life without breaking down and hurting myself. I have done more then I thought possible. Then my husband comes along and acts like an ******* and I have suddenly been sucked back to thinking about all the ways I can make myself bleed. I survived months of stress without resorting to self injury and now this one incident is trying to get me to put the blade to my arm. Grrr. It isn't right. It makes sense though. He is my closest personal relationship and my ego has not fully seperated from his and with him continuing to do old things that tigger me into past memories and all that wonderful stuff it is no wonder I HATE him right now and want to take that anger out on myself. Because of course I can't hate him because without him I would die so I have to hate me. But I don't hate me. ARGH! Gotta call my therapist. *bitterly laughing out loud*
Zen