I tear up but am unable to cry - i think it would be a good release - but i cant do it. Maybe that part of me is irretrievably broken

I still startle at stupid things - one of my co-workers thinks its really funny to jump out at me - yeah very funny NOT! but i laugh it off so he wont know he got to me - Ive tried talking to him but he thinks its a big joke - (thats after I drop down from the ceiling LOL)

I'm hyper alert until it exhausts me - then im exhausted which either makes me ill or lets in the depression beast

When im really anxious i triple check everything - lose my words - stop mid sentence and have no words - (how to look like an idiot without really trying !) stutter and my hands shake - but not so often now thank heavens - things do improve - it takes a lot of hard work - patience (Grrrrr) time (double grrrrr ) and relapses and hope (which is often in short supply nowadays)

You are NOT alone,