l know l shouldnt and l know its bad but head is so busy, so stressed right now, alters going crazy dont know how to calm

wanted to drink so bad so that could go to sleep have some peace....did not drink even though its there right here its here they are stocking up for christmas and once again l need to be strong ...............it stares me in the face almost talking to me ,calling me to pick it upcant so what l been doing

l been taking too many meds doubling sleep tabs and taking diazepam to take away this inner panic that rises in me during the night when l cant rest when the alcohol is there and all are alsleep......l am weak so weak want to take it want to drink it but know l cant so drug myself to sleep in the hope that it wont return but l wake and its there staring at me its like this torture calling to me.
today l didnt wake til 3pm too many pills again but its the only way that l sleep unless l go days and wait for exhaustion to come.........so so ashamed of self so weak and pathetic...........l just want to sleep and switch off this heasd put away my thoughts for a while and just feel normal instaed of confused and weak and pathetic. Please dont hate me l know that l should try harder..............l will try harder ............l will do better its just its so so hard