thankyou everyone - the minute i had posted that thread i wanted to delete it - but couldnt find out how - and ended up double posting it - now Im glad i did - it helps to know i am not alone in this - that others have had these thoughts - I am just so afraid......and I dont know what of ....or maybe I do - I hate this -this is not who i used to be - this is the new person and i dont like her much - I used to be the strong one - and I am trying so hard to still be that person when I just feel broken inside - like a shattered mirror. I see my T tomorrow for EMDR so hopefully that will help - I just feel so sad and lost.

I wanted to tell the person who i was talking to what happened - she was there with me that night - we were locked in a room for about 30 mins or more waiting for the police to come and make it safe for us to come out - then she was there for the next few hours when we had to have the guy still on the ward - (safe - I wish I still had that illussion - there is no place as safe) we share that bond - but i didnt (and still dont) want to worry her - its christmas - and we have supported each other - although i hardly see her at work anymore - she works somewhere else now - reaching out is always hard for me, as it is for most people.

I think what set me off was the last person who actually worked on my ward who was there that night left - so now im the only crazy person left LOL not that we talked about it a lot - but we supported each other - I just feel so alone and afraid - which is STUPID!!!!!!! I have my attack cats to protect me... that is unless they bring food then my cats would go with anyone! and there is nothing to fear - or everything ...im not sure.

Yesterday I got told that I should really be over this by now - AAAARRRRGGGGHHH - but im not - and i hate it - I think part of me is holding onto the hypervigilence because if I am ALWAYS on high alert then maybe I can stop this from happening again - i am tired of the struggle and feel like i will burst from all the emotions racng through my body -

I only have to get to tomorrow - second by second i can do this - thankyou for your support it means a lot. maybe this is my safe place. P7