Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix7
thankyou everyone - the minute i had posted that thread i wanted to delete it - but couldnt find out how - and ended up double posting it - now Im glad i did - it helps to know i am not alone in this - that others have had these thoughts - I am just so afraid......and I dont know what of ....or maybe I do - I hate this -this is not who i used to be - this is the new person and i dont like her much - I used to be the strong one - and I am trying so hard to still be that person when I just feel broken inside - like a shattered mirror. I see my T tomorrow for EMDR so hopefully that will help - I just feel so sad and lost.
I wanted to tell the person who i was talking to what happened - she was there with me that night - we were locked in a room for about 30 mins or more waiting for the police to come and make it safe for us to come out - then she was there for the next few hours when we had to have the guy still on the ward - (safe - I wish I still had that illussion - there is no place as safe) we share that bond - but i didnt (and still dont) want to worry her - its christmas - and we have supported each other - although i hardly see her at work anymore - she works somewhere else now - reaching out is always hard for me, as it is for most people.
I think what set me off was the last person who actually worked on my ward who was there that night left - so now im the only crazy person left LOL  not that we talked about it a lot - but we supported each other - I just feel so alone and afraid - which is STUPID!!!!!!! I have my attack cats to protect me...  that is unless they bring food then my cats would go with anyone! and there is nothing to fear - or everything ...im not sure.
Yesterday I got told that I should really be over this by now - AAAARRRRGGGGHHH - but im not - and i hate it - I think part of me is holding onto the hypervigilence because if I am ALWAYS on high alert then maybe I can stop this from happening again - i am tired of the struggle and feel like i will burst from all the emotions racng through my body -
I only have to get to tomorrow - second by second i can do this - thankyou for your support it means a lot. maybe this is my safe place. P7 |
Hi Pheonix,
Theres nothing in your post I felt I could delete . It all sounds familar to me.
The fear of having posted and wanting to delete. Oh boy yup . I delete because Im afraid it will be used against me somehow . Or I have shared too much. Theres nothing you have written that doesn't sound normal to me from what you have gone through.
People are affected differently by traumatic events. I have read where some who come back from armed services crumble where others are not effected.
It could be that there may be past abuse not remembered , It doesn't have to be the imediate family either that may have caused it. who knows why else. Maybe your at your trauma limit. This event is an accumulation of the other things that have happened on your ward.
I also was a very strong woman . I had a stuffing copping mechanisum. Goodness! . I was crazey to be walking around not feeling anything. Maybe your the one whos sane and the others may be in trouble later on.
I have suffered a few panic attacks in my life . They are not fun. coton in your ears can't hear a person feel like your shouting at them and you can't reach them paralized state of mind .
Im sure these trauma patients felt some panic at being held hostage even if it was for thier benifit. It was not about you it was thier freedom being taken away. Maybe your afraid to tell how you feel because your afraid you will be locked up .
Just express that up front in your session. your safty is of utmost importance right now, discuss a plan of action for yourself .
I have a fear of going down long steep escalators and being locked up. I don't know why I have that . there still my be memories I have not rememberd Im certain there are. I remember having to hide in my closet under clothing and watching the door being opened .
No one should live in such fear.
I have a dog. She is my protector and shes the best. She has nipped a few men. LOL!
that were working near by me .For a while I had to chain her . because she was close to strike three. Shes pretty old now . I can leave my car doors open no problem .
One time I approached my own vehical and she let me have it ..LOL!!!!!!
Im glad you have your cats . And the males they certainly can attack.
I agree with Skymonk stuffing this stuff down is what makes you sick.
I hope things go well for you tommorrow. You can share here . there are people reading.
Patricia