I went to see my old Therapist for the last time today as I began seeing a new one. I didn't know how I was going to break the news to her so I decided to let it be like any other session and was going to break the news near the very end.

Well, it wasn't the best. My mom passed not too long back and it hit me all of a sudden last night. I had balled my eyes out. I ended up writing a letter to my mom just to get out what I was thinking.

I told my T that that had happened and I talked about some of the issues going on with my dad since my moms death, put it this way he is being a complete ***** hole. There is no exageration there, all of my siblings are extremely upset with him. He's not even planning on coming to our christmas dinner because he allowed some women to talk him out of it.

Anyways, I was talking about this with my therapist some, and she said why don't you tell your siblings how you feel. I said you don't understand I have been thier protector in a sense for years. I am the one they always come to, I just can't go to them and tell them how I really feel. They need me for that support. I can't burden them with me.

Then she drops the bomb on me. She says the word "resistence". I didn't know what to say. I have tried really hard in therapy. I have even confronted my dad about stuff, but being vulnerable is way to difficult for me. Then she says, you are self sabotaging your Therapy. Your using it to say, well I tried but it didn't work.

I started crying, saying I do want to heal, I do want to do these things but I just don't know how. I don't know how to do what you are asking. I was a mess for a bit, then she says what did you hear me say. I said I heard you say pretty much that this is not working for me. That maybe in 5 months from now I will be in the exact same spot.

Then I broke the news, I said I came here today with the intention of telling you I needed a break (because at that point, I could not get the nerve up to tell her I was seeing someone else). Then she says so you changed your mind. I said no, I think I need the break.

Then she says, I didn't say that stuff to make you want to stop, I said it to encourage you to work through the resistence.
At this point I was so upset. I said, I know this is so stupid, that its so easy, yet, I just can't do it. It's all my fault. What's the sense of coming, I'm just waisting your time. I felt like a complete loser.

I left there a mess. She acted like her usual self, like everything was fine, no change of emotions nothing. Meanwhile, I was thinking I am a lost cause, completely hopeless, that even a therapist can't help me. She really doesn't get how hard this is for me. I really don't think she has a clue. With everything going on in my family, I really find it so difficult to deal with this as well.

I am so glad that I told her. I can't take seeing her anymore. I left there feeling like crap 90 percent of the time. I understand she needed to push me some, but being slammed much of the time was doing a number on me. She'e been counseling for 15 years why did I feel like she didn't have a clue?

Hangingon