Hi Bleah,welcome.

Have you talked this over with your T yet? I know it would be a hard conversation, but if it were me I'd force myself to bring it up. I don't think it's a bad thing, as suicidal ideation often involves such fantasies about what the person believes will happen as a result of a suicidal act. If you care about your T, it really isn't surprising at all that you would think these thoughts about her.

It isn't anything to be ashamed of, but it is something to seriously work on so that the fantasies don't start to get stronger and then hurl you deeper into the pit of despair. Is it a depressive disorder your dealing with, or something else? Don't feel like you have to answer, I was just curious if your motivation for the sx. ideation was stemming from Major Depressive Disorder or something else.

Hang in there and post often. This is a really supportive community and I find it incredibly helpful in clarifying my thoughts and motives around therapy and the issues I deal with. You are certainly not alone. Don't forget to bring this up with your T also!