yeah, i haven't been here in awhile. sometimes when i did come here very often, and someone hadn't been around in awhile... someone would make a post saying the user's name with a question mark... asking where they'd been. ehh it doesn't matter much really, but i was a little disappointed no one thought of me when id been gone so long. i made up with a friend, and i started talking to evan again. i went through a period of probably the worst depression i can remember having.... actually, its not that the depression was more severe, its that... the thoughts in my head during this one were more severe. I would look at each and every single one of my friends on a day to day basis and list off the reasons in my head why they didn't like me, why they shouldn't like me, and how i thought they've already shown that they didn't like me by a particular disregard for something that i would have opposed otherwise. I had this theory in my head... that i was just a 'fad' for people. Id be someone's "best friend" and then somehow we would become a teeny bit distanced, and all of a sudden they were "best friends" with the person they'd been "best friends" with before... the childhood friends... which i never really was to anyone. No one here at least... Then me and the friend who made me most feel this way got into a very huge fight. And then we made up, and in the process Evan started talking to me. And this is the funniest part... i had felt like i had gotten myself back... like all the things i thought i had lost from evan were back... my tolerance, understanding, caring, and forgiving. Those were the things that had once made me who i was... i lost that after evan, and it seemed to be back... i dunno bout the tolerance part, but i am doing much better. I think maybe im just really tired... and i've been a bit grumpy lately... but just grumpy... not depressed, which is definitely a good thing. It was by far the worst depression i've delt with just because of the fact that i felt like no one cared... but then my boyfriend was there... i think he's the only reason i didn't even think or get any notion of killing myself... because even if i couldn't feel cared about... i knew in my head that he did care. it was pretty cool... the other day i made him feel a lot better after he had a fight with his parents... his dad had said to him that he had ruined his life... and my boyfriend talked about this with me... and i said to him, "well, even if you did ruin theirs... you saved mine." and he got this big smile on his face. that made me happy. Though he was extremely hurt when he found out i was talking to Evan again... at a later date he told me that one of those nights he had to cry himself to sleep because of it. For those of you who know the situation... for the first time... Evan actually told me that he did care... and he pretty much told me he was sorry... he sent me the lyrics of an entire song... part of which goes, "Take this guilt from me, hold it deep in mind, forever, and never let this go.... Take this guilt from me, hold this deep in mind, forever and never let this go..... Now there's nothing left but time, know that im following you, Eva's always on my mind, and it makes me wonder (makes me wonder) what happened to you... Take this guilt from me, hold it deep in mind, forever, and never let this go..." I even asked him if the lyrics were applicable, because knowing him, he'd come out with something like, "that was just a random song i liked" but he told me that the lyrics were completely applicable...

so much is different now... i don't exactly know what to make of it.. i started off this school year really really badly because i was so damned depressed. Hopefully i'll get it together soon. Id really really like input, thoughts etc... especially about having talked to Evan again.
Thanks
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist