Well....it's a long story.

We have been together for 8-1/2 years, married for almost 4 years. We have a 3-1/2 year old daughter.

The sex was great at first. We dated long-distance, I was in college 75 miles away. Every single time we got together, we had sex. Sometimes more than once in a night.

But then it just gradually got worse. Down to once a month. Then maybe 2-3 months of nothing. Then the longest was a 9 month dry spell of no sexual contact whatsoever.

I should admit...I have cheated on him. One short fling in 2004, right after a suicide attempt, I was severely depressed and just looking for someone who cared. Then a string of one-night-stands in 2006, which we can now attribute to a hypomanic episode triggered by the antidepressants they gave me for what they thought was postpartum depression (I'm Bipolar II). Then...a 6 month affair this January-June with a man I met online. That one I can't blame on impulsivity. It was more than that. And if you see my other thread here....it hasn't even ended completely yet.

My husband knows about the affairs. He doesn't seem to care. He just lets it go, like nothing ever happened. It's like he doesn't even give a damn that his wife cheated on him. We even went to marriage counseling for a couple months, and he told the counselor that he is past it, he just wants to move on and forget about the past.

I know the affairs probably effect him a lot. But the sex was bad before I ever cheated - it was one reason why I cheated. (no, it doesn't make it okay, I know that. Just explains it)

I have also gained a substantial amount of weight since we first met. Over 100 pounds. I am a binge eater, and I'm on Zyprexa. I've gained 50 pounds since I started the Zyprexa. But it's the only med that holds me together - when I switched meds, I got highly suicidal.

But then...I have this picture of us from a cruise in 2001, our first vacation together. I was a size 6 109 pound 20 year old with a fresh tan in a slinky dress - I looked friggin HOT in that photo. It's my motivation photo for weight loss, to remind me where I could be. But you know what? That entire cruise - 5 nights - we never had sex ONCE the entire time!! I distinctly remember one night when he wanted to go to the midnight buffet. I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but wanted him to come with me. He just wanted to stay up. I said well we could play around a little and then he could still go to the buffet. He didn't want to. He was more excited about eating at a midnight buffet than me.

I've asked him, point blank, if he's gay. He says he's not. He usually laughs it off like I'm joking when I ask.

I have asked him several times to go see a doctor about it. He won't go. He's too embarrassed.

One thing I should mention...he has had zero contact with his family from the time he left home at 18. I dont' know why, he won't tell me the whole story. He went to great lengths to make sure they can't find us when we moved. Like he's hiding from something. So...my gut says, maybe there was some abuse? He won't open up about it.

He is also 9-1/2 years older than me - I'm 28, he's 37. But he's still young enough, he should have a sex drive. He just doesn't.

There are times when I put on a sexy piece of lingerie, and walk down in front of the TV when he's watching. He doesn't even look up. Just keeps watching his show.

Anyway...there are a million reasons why he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. The affairs. My weight gain. My facial hair. Maybe I smell bad. Maybe I'm no good in bed. Maybe he's just tired from work. Maybe that MASH rerun episode is his favorite. Maybe he's gay but won't admit it. Maybe he's into something really kinky but is too ashamed to ask for it. Maybe he gets all he needs from jerking off to porn. Maybe he was abused. Maybe he has low testosterone. Maybe he needs Viagra. Maybe he's just asexual. Maybe this, maybe that....I've been through it all, but I still have no answers.

But I love him, I really do. He is the only man I've ever loved. The only man I ever really dated. Our marriage is fine in every other aspect, except the sex. We are generally happy, we have fun with our daughter, he is the best dad in the world to her. We get along fine, we are fine financially, we don't fight about anything. It just seems dumb to break up an otherwise perfect marriage over something as trivial as sex.

So how do I get to the point where I love him enough to abstain from sex as long as it takes for him to want it? How do I conquer the feelings of rejection? (keep in mind I also have Borderline Personality Disorder....highly sensitive to rejection)

How do I make sure I don't have the urge to cheat again?

How do I find out why my husband has no sex drive, when he won't answer my questions or go see a doctor?