Okay, I have been lurking and angry. I have poured all of my strength into visualizing hubby being fine with the upcoming neuro surgery. I have been having a good attitude and trying to be healthy. Staff meeting today and I am told that I need to set a time for my evaluation which has not been done since 2003. I set a date and then tell my super that I am really not up to it and I would rather she mail it to me and I will respond. She stated that she and her super who is my old super both wanted to meet with me and I said I felt to fragile for that. She said she doubted she could do anything about that.

ALSO! Today I get "THE LETTER" hand delivered. It says that they don't accept that I need accomodations and that the things that I asked for would be dealt with in these ways... It also said that my diagnoses don't support the need for accomodations. Okay, so I ask my super what the heck this means and she says something like look the agency is willing to do these things without making it special and that last paragraph in there about expecting me to adhere to the standards is just reaffirming that I do my job well. So, I spoke some about the horrible meeting and my reactions. Spoke of my hurt about the lack of support I got with the move and furniture for the new office just to be criticized. gets nowhere, why talk.

I called the director of the agency and said, John, be honest, just tell me what the heck is going on here. He said that I was not performing at the level they knew I was able to and that there was a job to do and if I couldn't do it according to the standards then I had to look at other options. He said I was result oriented and tended to not put enough time into the dreaded state paperwork. He reminded me that he and the agency had stuck by me with some legal issues with the state last year. I reminded him that I was greatful and have been a dedicated employee for 16 years. I told him that my brain doesn't work the way it used to and that I was trying and I wanted to do a good job. I told him that despite paperwork errors that I still do a fine job. I reminded him that I went back to work 2 weeks after my kid died and was expected to, and did, function full force. No room for anything but overfunctioning. I told him that I felt like I did my job well in that my clients and families are happy with me. I told him of my lack of supervision and support with the move, he was not affected. He said I should move foreward. He said that there was no way that I was going to have my evaluation not face to face eventhough I told him I was fragile. He said there is never a good time for me, now it's hubby's neuro-surgery, before it was depression and before that was the legal stuff. So I said fine, I will do it face to face. Told myself I would load up on drugs before hand.

I asked him to please send the original medical documentation letters back to me as I felt that it was not appropriate for him or the agency to have them, considering the outcome, and I asked him to promise there would be no copies made. He said he'd send the letters back, no promises of anything though.

I left a voice mail for my immediate super saying fine, have the meeting for my evaluation and can it be earlier in the week? I plan on taking klonopin and some pain killers before hand as I won't give the bastards the satisfaction of showing emotion this time. I also will be very careful to speak only to the present issue and briefly at that.

I was naive at best in being honest about what is happening for me. It was stupid of me to believe that I could be honest and less then super-functional. They actually told me more clients, less time with them each. I respected my agency. I loved my agency. I feel confused and need feedback. I am even afraid to send this due to what's been happening here lately but what the heck huh? It's only on the web!