Are you mad at T and having a hard time recognizing or admitting that?

A couple of years ago, I was mad at and frustrated with my T a lot of the time. We were primarily doing e-mail therapy, but once every couple of months I would drive the 3 hours and 17 minutes each way to see her in person. Pretty much when it was e-therapy, I kept getting more and more frustrated with her and would convince myself that she probably hated me, and I really needed to see her in order to feel like she still accepted me and cared about me.

I was at or past that point, and had to cancel an appointment with her because my class schedule changed suddenly, and I asked her in a rather indirect way about an alternate date. She didn't answer, and I assumed that I would get the appointment on that date. Finally I asked again and she said she didn't know I wanted an appointment and didn't have any open, and I would have to wait three weeks. So, I started making suicide plans for the date that I wanted the appointment. Since I had already told my family I was going to see her on that date, I just didn't tell them that I didn't actually have an appointment, and I was going to go anyway, and die on the way there, in the middle of nowhere. T wouldn't have found me, but she would have known that "it was her fault."

So, what would you like to communicate to your T that would be communicated by her finding you? Suicidal ideation often doesn't mean that you want to die, but that you want something to change, or that you want something and don't know another way to get it. The thoughts are a signal to you that something is bothering you that you need to pay attention to.