Sigh. It's getting harder and harder to resist SI now. I've gone without it now for just over two months, and I keep thinking that I'll feel better if I cut - and then try to persuade myself that I won't. I want to do it and I don't want to pay attention to the distractions that are put up. But then I also don;t want to do it, and I'm not sure if my willpower can hold out. Things are coming too much here, and there's nothing I can do about it but try to ride it out without crashing completely.

My university course is on the line because I keep missing classes because I can't be bothered to leave the house, and I have tonnes of overdue work and there is more to come - and also I have exams in a month. I'm afraid I might get kicked out. And then there's the whole keeping it secret from my family thing. Hiding my depression, SI, school marks, counselling. Lying about my school work and what I do in my time. Lying about my emotions. I'm fed up of hiding things and I wish that I could just tell my dad for once how things are. But this is my second attempt at university - I had to withdraw the first time because of my depression - and this year, he told me that I had to get this right, that this was my only chance. So it began with me hiding the continuing depression from him so that he wouldn't get worried - and besides he thinks that depression can be solved by positive thinking - and now it's up to hiding depression, work, counselling sessions, scars, etc, etc.

I know this is just a big rant but I'm fed up of it. I'm finally considering antidepressants now things have got so bad and that will be just another thing to hide. If he found out about antidepressants, he would be hurt and angry. If he found out about all the university stuff, he would be furious, think that I had 'gone behind his back' - which he thought last time too, and which hurt me so much - he might even kick me out over it. Besides constantly harrying me over it, which would make my depression worse. So I've got to think about all this, and then cope with thoughts of SI and suicide, and then try to hold myself together without falling apart, and it's just not working anymore.