i'm not sure if the whole story is going to come out now (otherwise i might talk forever)... BUT...

last thursday i saw my T for the last time. i had been seeing him every 2 weeks (sometimes more often, sometimes less) for close to two years. he had given me his email address, so in between sessions i would email him - not often (although he encouraged me to use it as often as i wanted), but just when i needed a bit of immediate feedback. i wouldn't say we were 'close' by any stretch of the imagination, and initially we had a very rocky relationship (my mistrust issues caused me dissociate), but lately i had been feeling that this was someone who was on 'my side', who was committed to seeing me get better, who would be gentle if i ever opened up about childhood stuff, and who had the skills and competency to offer me hope enough to get out of my depression.

anyway, long story short - due to some of the stuff we talked about last week, he said he wouldn't be able to keep our discussion private and that he would have to notify the local mental health team. i told him that i didnt think it was necessary, and moreover that i thought such a referral would be unhelpful (i had spoken to this team before, and they only served to distress me more) but he was insistent and did what he wanted to do anyway.

he then asked me if i would be able to meet with him next week at a given time (he has never done this before - he's always left it up to me to decide whether or when i came back or not). i started to explain that i didnt want to meet with him anymore. he cut me off and said that wasn't his question - he wanted to know if i was free to book me in, otherwise he would offer me a different time. i said that i didnt want to see him again. we then sat in silence for a few (loooong) minutes. i then got up and he saw me out of the room. i think through most of this i was crying.

i dont know what i want from this, i'm sorry. just to vent, perhaps. maybe also a hug. i'm so angry at him for making the referral to that other team, because without that, i would still be seeing him next week and have a chance at getting better. i'm sad because i won't be seeing him again - he's the first psychologist i've actually stuck with, and he meant a lot to me. i'm angry at myself for missing him, when i know he doesnt care two pence for me.

anyway. i dont know. i could really do with a hug; i'm not doing very well as of late. my pdoc is on leave - if he was here, we would have talked through this already and i would be feeling better. but i think my pdoc wouldn't understand how much of a loss it is to me - he would just see it as a business relationship coming to an end, maybe not recognise the emotional investment i've had to make.

pretty much, all of my significant support is gone right now. my pdoc comes back in a month. i dont know how i will make it.