zh, thanks for your reply.

i don't mean this to sound bad and I am sure you have good intentions here, but to me when you say "I am so sad reading this thinking of how much pressure you're putting yourself under by keeping all this quiet" - it reads to me like you think i'm stupid for putting myself under so much pressure when i don't have to. I really think you don't mean that and I think it's more likely to me my skewed thinking - but i thought i should raise that point for you to clarify, if you will.

other than that, i do really appreciate your advice and encouragement and I'm glad you took the time to reply.