I am having trouble coping and its my own fault! Geez i cant even press the right buttons ! I am so angry and ...scared and angry - did I say that ! I so want that guy banging his head against a wall - but i pressed the wrong d*** button! aaarrrggghhh!

I put myself down to work over the holidays - it helps others out so they can be with their families and it helps me out because i have less time to be weak and pathetic!!!!!!! grrrr - that's ok - then they say they need to cut staff and who puts their hand up - yep you got it ! dumb old me! but it was that or be deployed to another ward where i dont know the exits (yes I know that sounds dumb - this whole thing sounds dumb )and I wouldnt know tha patients and I wouldnt know the staff and I know I wouldnt cope with that so i put in for holidays - and im not coping and i am so ANGRY with myself for not coping - for crying out loud!, why dont I learn! listen! get better! do somthing! anything! I should be happy - I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard how ungrateful am I - why cant i just snap out of this!!!!! I am sitting here rocking back and forth like some ***** baby!

I dont want to bring anyone down but if I dont say this I will go crazier than I already am - if thats possible! I am just angry and scared .... and sad.