It was an automatic thing, they said they needed someone to take hols or one of us would be deployed to another ward for the next few days - i have lots of leave saved up so I put my hand up - but it was a damned if you do damned if you dont situation - I had a good idea that i wouldnt cope without being at work but i was even more certain i wouldnt cope on another ward - and I was too chicken to find out so I said id take leave
(i have a lot of leave saved up because i have wanted to stay at work where i have to be busy not at home where i can fall apart so easily)

As to going to another ward - I see danger everywhere at the moment - so being somewhere where the patients were an unknown and where i didnt know where i could run to if i needed to was too much - that sounds so dumb - but its how i feel - push me out of my comfort zone even a little and i tend to start shaking - thought i was past that - but not - you see i just dont learn! - I'm barely holding it together these days and this could have been the straw that broke this camels back so I took the easy way out and said id take leave - at least if i fall apart at home no-one but my cats will see

I feel like a mouse in a wheel and im dizzy and i want to get off - but i cant. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday - what a waste - my place is a mess i should have tidied up but i didnt and probably wont today - I'm not angry anymore just sad.... and i dont want to be sad anymore ... im so tired of being sad.

thankyou all for your support P7