oh wow. thanks so much for all of your replies, guys - it really means a lot to me that you've all taken the time to respond.
i am... confused about whether he really cares about me or not. i have thought this over a lot, and i think that yes, he was probably convinced that i intended to self harm, but as to whether he cared... ???
when i asked him not to call the mental health team, his response was that he would look bad if he ended up at coroner's court and said that he hadn't made the referral even though he knew i was having thoughts of self harm. he said all i had to do was to tell the team i didnt want to talk to them and then they would leave me alone. to me, that speaks more about him being concerned about his own professional image than any real desire to 'help' me. if he thought the referral would be helpful, then he wouldn't have suggested me not talking to them, right?
as a side issue (and it really is very small compared to the larger 'betrayal') - he promised me that all the team would do would be to call my mobile - that they wouldn't even intrude and call my house number. i'm a bit angry/upset with him for making that promise, because as it is, the team showed up on my front door and wouldn't leave until i had spoken to them. that kind of terrified me.
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Originally Posted by earthmama
Maybe if you go back, you and he can discuss in a calmer moment under what circumstances he feels that he has to call the mental health team? Perhaps the two of you can come to a new understanding.
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yes... i think this is a good idea. and certainly a conversation i'll be having with my pdoc in case things inadvertently turn weird there also. i was surprised when my T called the team, because we had previously spoken about self harm before and he had been happy to leave it alone. all he's done in the past was to either tell my pdoc, or ask me to make another appointment with him so he'd know i'd be safe until we next met. both of these options i'm ok with - if i make a promise to meet with him again, i'll keep it; if my pdoc thinks it's necessary to take further actions, well... i know that if my pdoc thinks it's necessary then it probably is. his foremost concern is to keep me out of hospital, because he thinks it would be bad for me, so if he recommended something similar, then i know i'd be in dire straights.
i think the deal breaker for me now is that i won't be able to be honest with him in the future, out of fear that he will refer me to them again. i was really upset when i knew they were going to call me, and it turned into pure fear when they showed up at my house wanting to take me away if i didnt make the right responses.
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Originally Posted by chaotic13
Maybe he made a bad choice, maybe you made a not so great choice, there seems to be a lot going on in this situation.
All I can offer is that you owe it to yourself to end therapy in a way that feels right to you. From what you wrote here, you seem to have some regrets about how you left things with your T. You might try and let things settle a little bit, figure out what you want, and then call him back and set up one more visit. You will be able to tell him how his decision hurt you, hear his explanation, and move on from there.
The last time I was in the ... "F this I quite therapy" situation, making that call and going to the [last] session was honestly one of the hardest things I made myself do. But I made it about ME and what I wanted before closing the book on therapy. That session turned out to be a very important session.
I hope you can figure out what you really want, and then have the courage to take steps to get it.  |
thank you so much for this post, chaotic. i will definitely let things settle, and probably talk it over with my pdoc before deciding what to do. i think one thing that makes me reluctant about going back is that it's almost like... saying 'hey, it's fine that you completely fked me over, i'll keep coming back for more, and be the same pleasant person i always am'. not going back is kind of like my only way of saying 'what you did was wrong by me'. but he knew that, even as he did it. so i dont know what he could say that would make things better. sorry would be nice, i guess, but i doubt he'd ever do that, because essentially i think the decision was about him, not me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imapatient
Question for clarification: What is "the local mental health team?" I've never heard of that: are you outside the US?
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yeah, i'm in australia. we have mental health teams attached to most hospitals here... they deal with all the crazies having emergencies - try to keep them out of hospital by offering support/on-site assessments, or do follow up care with them after they leave hospital. a team is mainly comprised of nurses and social workers, but apparently there are a few psychologists and psychiatrists also.
umm... long post, sorry!! but thank you once again *everyone* for your posts here. with your support i might wrack up the courage to see him once more... but i'm scared, because i don't think he cares... and why do i want something (=being vulnerable) from someone who doesnt care about me?