I've been reading about dissociative disorders.
I'm hoping someone here might be able to help me get an idea what's going on with me... because I"m VERY confused.

I've been experiencing some things... that are similar to what is being talked about... but not at the same time. It's hard for me to describe. I'm confused, and a bit scared. I have major depressive disorder and am on meds for it.

The first time anything happened, I was confronted with the possibility of one of my greatest fears becoming a reality. It was two months ago... ish??? (before any meds)
I switched the way I thought somehow. I kind of acted like a kid... wouldn't think of anything but very very simple things. I put things in terms of "playing a game" or "doing bad/ I did bad" I acted very differently and refused to think seriously. This started happening now and again. I'd bounce around forget all the stuff I had to do, and went to play games and stuff. When I played my cello I was playing the "cello game"... etc. I could remember everything later but it's confusing to talk about because it's not the kind of thing I would do.

I've always had a tendency to hide feelings, but that has also reached an extreme. I'll go completely cold and Icy. I feel like Me, my normal hurting self is being pushed down. And then the me... or that part of me??? because it doesn't really feel like me... and I have different attitudes - is just... so different. Feelings go away. Sometimes the "real me" tries to fight the "Icy me" for control. It normally loses. Last night this happened after I'd been crying for an hour and trying not to hurt myself or do anything silly, and finally I just numbed out. My boyfriend hates me when I'm like that.

Another time.. when I was under my first set of meds (which were bad) I got into a time where I was si'ing very often. I'd go into the kidlike mentality often, but over time it's gotten less happy and more scared. It was so scared. Then there was desire to hurt and the kid didn't want to but that desire took over for a bit. A WHILE back (before meds) there was also the feeling that something inside me was trying to get me to do something... like you know you want to do this and I'd say no I don't... it could get manipulative. I never really thought about it till recently though.

sorry for the long post... I'm confused, disoriented. And often stuck in different levels of the numbness... just 0.0 confused.

on a side note. Been calling hte extreme numbness/icyness "Icy" is that a bad thing x.x

Sorry about the long post. Thanks for reading.
loads of hugs to all