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turquoisesea,
i'm sorry you are having such a hard time, i can see you are suffering and confused and scared all at the same time. i am someone who is dissociative and some of what you say sounds familiar to me from things i experience.
people here will try to be supportive of you. many will understand. you can talk about feelings, fears and concerns.
none of us here can fix anything, but i know that i have found it helpful to be here and it made me feel better some times and made it easier to accept what ws going on in my life now.
i hid in my mind as a tiny child who had no place of refuge. the abuse was very bad and no one ever helped me, but i feel like this was something i was able to do that kept me from insanity or suicide. it was a strong form of pretending sometimes and other times it was a real escape into another part of my mind. i used to be mad that i was mpd/did. i hated it but finally saw that it was a good thing, it helped save me. the bad people who hurt me said they would kill me if i ever told what they did to me. i believed them and i was a very talkative child, so it was so important that i not talk. so i had to hide my memory from me.
i don't know what i am doing, exactly but i guess i just wanted to show you a bit about a dis. person. we do what all people do, just more extreme. everybody daydreams or checks out when they are bored or they go on "autopilot". its a human thing, its not so weird. its even kinda interesting really. we had the grit to survive terrible things.
hang in there and be kind to yourself. you have some issues and the better you treat yourself the easier it will be on all of you. it is also normal for you to have inside conflicts in your mind because different "parts" use different ways to help themselves and they sometimes have power struggles inside. like i said it is all just human behavior in an extreme.
it also takes brains and creativity to do this. so try to get off your own back and just listen to the inside voices, vibes and vision. it is all you. all of it.
i hope maybe some of this will reassure you or encourage you. i'll be gone from tomorrow through wednesday, so i won't be online much at all. but then i'll be back.
leslie and her pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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