Hello there,
Just wanted to see if there was anyone else out there experiencing the same as me. My story is as follows; I'm a 31 year old heterosexual male and until recently have never had any doubts about my sexuality. I have always been attracted to women. I spent all of my adolescent years chasing after girls/women, dated many women in my 20's and had a couple of serious long term relationships along the way. When I look back on my sex-life to date, I see it as one of a healthy heterosexual and when I think of my future, I only see myself with women. I have never been turned on by men and have only ever masturbated to straight porn. However, earlier this year I started obsessing about being gay. One day, out of the blue, I just started asking myself "what if I'm gay, but just don't know it yet? What if I've been in denial after all these years? You often hear of people coming out in their 30s, 40s, 50s, could I be one of them?" With all of these questions, came an overwhelming anxiety in the company of guys. I started asking myself if I wanted to kiss guys at work, at parties. Images of having sex with guys would manifest, and completely take over. I would constantly check myself for arousal. All the while asking myself, "why am I having these thoughts/doubts? I must be gay, only someone who is gay or gay in denial would have such thoughts"...and the spiral of obsession would ensue. Throughout this time, I had a long distance relationship that I was very much committed to - this may be a trigger for all of this but then again it could still be denial. We were physically together for just a few months (with a great sex-life) before she had to move back home at the start of the year to finish a degree. "Home" unfortunately was 5,000 miles away (literally) and in our naivety we thought we could somehow make it work. Other than a two week holiday together, we spent the year apart. At the risk of sounding crude, phone sex with her was, therefore, the extent of my sex-life. The distance took its toll and we broke up. This obsession has really taken over since then and I am in constant doubt about myself and my interests now. I have nightmares about being gay. The first thought that enters my head every morning is that I could be gay. I have lost interest in all of the things I love doing. I find it difficult to socialize or even be in the company of my best friends because I have this fear that I could be gay. I find it almost impossible to concentrate on anything. Watching a movie is even difficult. A good looking guy comes on the screen and images of kissing or having sex with him enter my head. I know deep down in the pit of my soul that I am straight yet these relentless thoughts continue to terrify me. I am still aroused by women when I don’t think about it but then I start asking myself if I actually like them or only think I like them. I have looked at gay porn and was repulsed by it. Then I think, "I'm only repulsed by gay porn because I'm in denial, and the realization of my homosexuality is causing me to be nauseous". So I check again, and have the same reaction. It’s a viscous cycle that I simply don’t know how to break. I have never wanted nor welcomed any of these thoughts nor have I ever been turned on by a guy yet the obsession of being a homosexual has taken over and is ruining my life. Does this sound like genuine obsession or could it be that I’m in denial after all these years? Apologies for such a long thread. Many thanks for reading it.