its hard for me to say..... it hurts when i think about it... I dont remember most of my childhood - i locked it up and threw away the key - but i do remember that people always seemed to let me down - small things like not coming to school events when they said they would (my mum was working so couldnt come and my dad just lied)- my dad forever making promises he did not keep - and me believing them - children can be so trusting - but it hurts and its all part of the pain i carry inside and cant get rid of - so i seperated myself from the world, from people, if i asked for nothing it would not hurt so much when i didnt get it -

after the sexual abuse I became sure that the reason no-one could love me was because i was an evil child (now i realise there was not much a 6 or 7 year old could have done in that situation) - my eldest sister always told me i was evil, and that everything was my fault because i jinxed everything, so maybe it was true - this became a self fullfilling prophecy because around her i was so nervous i was always breaking things - which seemed to prove her point to her and me. So i guess that child didnt get the love and support it so desperately needed and so i decided that having needs was just another way to feel pain - no needs - no pain when people dont meet them - or when i dont meet my own needs

its a hollow way to live, and when I was attacked at work it opened up all of this and i knew i wouldnt get through it without help - I needed help - and when the first work referred T said "we all have feeling like that" when I opened up and told him about my "bad" thoughts - and that i should pull myself together - not his exact words but my interpretation -it was like being back in my childhood - i was being dismissed - i had reached out and was slapped down - with my current T - I am still afraid that .... that the support there will disapear - like everything seems to disapear when I really need it -so I guess my protect button gets pushed and I try to pretend that i dont need anything or anyone - that way it wont hurt when they walk away and leave me - but i feel so desperate inside - and its like if i dont admit that, say it out loud, then its not true, its not real, ... but it is and it hurts so much i can hardly bear it - i dont know what to do - im sorry ive rambled a bit - I hope somewhere in here i have answered your question P7